in order to remember.

It occurs to me that I might be the worst blogger ever. That's ok, since not many people read this anyway. I started this blog 5 or so years ago so that I might remember. Remember what I've learned, where I've been, and to be able to look back and see the person that the Lord is shaping me to be.  I've long known that I express my thoughts best in written words, much preferring a paper to a speech any day of the week. The years this blog encompasses have been so good, but so hard. Growing up, learning a lot, facing life's realities, and on and on and on. And so, I write so that I might remember.

I have had an overwhelming urge to write over the past few months. About nothing in particular, really, yet so much has been happening. To do a bullet point summary does no justice to all I have done and learned and hope to do. However, here are a few highlights from the past however long it has been.

A year and a few months ago, I started a new job and a new career path. Work is good, but the thing that keeps me most busy in my "off" hours is going to school. When I finished my Masters, I said "no more." And yet, here I am working on a B.S. In Accounting. This semester I am taking 3 courses, not all at once, but they overlap (it's complicated to explain) and it's a lot. My days are bursting to full, I go to bed too late, and get up too early. But life is good. And I don't really know how to rest, but that's another story.

The journey to now has been hard and long, but in the process the Lord taught me some things about myself...
...That I've lived much of my life ruled by the expectations of others
...That I am not the person today that I would have thought I would be when I "dreamed up" my life.  Let's be real: I thought I'd be a wife and mom, or at least on the path to there, by this point in my life. I thought I'd live in my own house and ideally able to stay home and be "mom."  And the Lord has had to teach me that my own expectations have ruled me. I don't long for these things every day, as though they are the sole thing I think about. But the prayers are real and my heart is hopeful for the future someday.
...That I don't have to be perfect, to try to meet everyone else's approval, or really, to please what others think I should be doing with my life. And, I don't say it flippantly, as though the opinions of those close to me don't matter at all. It's just that they don't rule my thoughts anymore. And I'm not afraid to take a stand and make my own decisions.
...That it is good to try new things. It sounds obvious to some, but I'm not an adventurous spirit. I love to go and see, but be able to return home to the familiar. But I want to be ok with not just going and seeing, but doing as well. I don't want to live a stagnant life. 
...That it's ok to be a work in progress. It's good to pray for what I want, as long as I recognize that those desires mean nothing apart from God. That there is nothing worthwhile to spend my energy and resources on when I do not care about the things God has prepared for me. And so, I wait. But I do not stop living while I wait. Because it is in that wait where life happens and we are refined to be a little more like Christ. 

And that is worth it all.