Apparently I like to check in here every three months or so. I'm taking a break from writing a paper, so naturally I feel like writing a blog post. When I last wrote to you, it was the day before beginning school again, this time for Accounting. So much has happened in the days since then. Let me summarize my thoughts about it all in saying: "God is faithful."
Just a little over three months ago I was starting back to school, looking forward to learning some new things and even more eager to see where God was leading me in the process. About a week or two later I really started applying to jobs, more than I had been before. I had a few interviews and always got the same "thanks, but no thanks" I've grown so accustomed to these past few years. I continued in school, finishing that term just eight weeks later. I had exactly one weekend off (which happened to be Mothers' Day weekend) and then it was back to school, this time adding an extra class to the load for a total of three.
Side note: When a class is only 8 weeks long, the work load is basically doubled to squeeze an entire semester's worth of information and work into half the time. Two classes, one accounting and one computer programs class (read: easy), was manageable. Add one more class into the mix and I definitely bit off more than I could chew. I am definitely anxious to be finished this coming Friday!
Classes have been going well and I'm learning a lot. I don't hate accounting (something I feared) so that's always a bonus. But as time continued on, I increasingly felt the need to "get a real job." Not that I wasn't looking, but I felt the burden much more. I had (somewhat irrational, but also possible) fears that I would get in a car accident or come down with a rare disease while not having insurance or a steady job. I feared that I would never find a job where someone would give me a chance to prove myself. See, I know that I'm smart and I'm capable (that sounds so snotty, but hopefully you know what I mean), but on paper I need more experience. And it seems that every opportunity just didn't work out.
Through it all, I had to cling to the truth that God had something in store for my future. That He never left me, even on the days where I had given up on it all. On the weeks where I refused to even search for jobs because it left me feeling tired and less than and never good enough. God never abandoned me and He really has been working all things together for good, beginning with my heart.
See, the thing is, I always thought I trusted God, thought I knew what that meant. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was always thankful for the circumstances He had placed me in, thankful for the many blessings I had, but I don't think I truly trusted Him to be in control. I had, without my knowledge, slowly bought into the lie that my circumstances were my safety.
That is, if I had a steady job, then God was blessing me.
If I did enough, then He would provide for me.
I didn't realize it at first, of course, because it wasn't something I knew to be true. But somehow my heart believed the lies. And in the midst of waiting, I finally saw what I needed to see. That God had never left me. That He is steadfast, true, and provider of all my needs, faithful above all else.
The last few weeks have been particularly tumultuous due to a turn of events. You see, one of the jobs I interviewed for way back in March called me back in June saying the person they hired didn't work out and they wanted to interview me again if I was still interested. I went back out the next day for that interview, full of peace that God was in control. It's probably the least nervous I've ever been in an interview, only mildly hopeful that I would get the job and somewhat fearful that I would get burned twice. The following Monday they called me back, asking for my references and wanting to interview me again (this would be the fourth time). A few hours later, I received another phone call, this time an interview for a teaching position.
All of a sudden I was caught between two worlds again. I thought God was leading one direction, but when I got the call about teaching, I had to wonder if all I had needed was a break.
On Wednesday of that week, the first job called me to offer the position to me. All I felt was upset. It probably sounds stupid, since it was something I had been longing after for so long. But it seemed like God was opening the doors to teaching and this was just in the way. I had my teaching interview the next day (Thursday) and I felt like it went well, but I finally heard last week that it was just another no.
In the meantime, I accepted the job I was offered. My first day is tomorrow.
I've been trying not to think about it a lot, not wanting to get nervous, not knowing exactly what to expect. My prayer is for is to be the right place for me, that I can learn the job quickly and well and that I will excel there. If you are wondering what I'll be doing, join the club. I am too! All I can tell you today is that the position is an Administrative Assistant for an agricultural research company working with onions.
I don't know why God opened (and then shut) the door for teaching again. I do know that He has been working on my heart tremendously. Where I didn't want to teach before, now I am open to the possibility. Maybe that's the most important thing here, to be willing to be used by God in any capacity that He chooses.
Praise God for His faithfulness! I'll let you know how my first day goes.
