hope for the future.

Eight.  The number of months, to the day, since my world changed drastically.  My reality was shaken by the news I was given that Leap Day.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read this post I wrote back in March.  In a lot of ways, that was a defining day in my life.  It felt like everything I had worked for was falling apart in an instant.  I was confused.  I didn't know what had gone wrong exactly, only that it had.

On that day, February 29, 2012, in the midst of all of my confusion and emotions, this was part of the prayer that I wrote down:

"Give me Your grace daily as I walk through this, learning all the more what it means to rely on and trust in You.  Fill me with peace in the midst of confusion...You are still on your throne and still in control.  Help me to trust You in every circumstance...Fill me with hope for the future.  Lead me to open doors, give the courage and wisdom to pursue what you have for me."
 

There were a lot of hard days after that.  There were constant reminders around me, all the while trying to act like nothing had happened.  I had to keep going.  I had to keep moving.  I had to be strong.  I battled feelings of wanting to quit.  I battled having a good attitude about the situation at times.  I also knew that the way I reacted to this situation would be telling of my character and who I am. 

But I stuck it out.

As the last day of school loomed, I knew the kids would notice that my room was slowly emptying.  I had to find a way to tell them that I wasn't coming back that wouldn't cast doubts in them in my ability to teach them well.  I did and they were surprised.  But they were troopers all the way until the end.

I was, too.

And then it was summer and I had no direction.  It was another game of hurry up and wait.  Hurry and apply for this job and wait to hear about an interview, which caused another wait, only to hear what became an inevitable "no." 

I was discouraged and confused.  It didn't seem like God was leading me anywhere.  I was frustrated that everything I tried failed.  I couldn't figure out what God wanted me to do.

Another waiting game.

But somewhere along the way, around the beginning of September, my heart began to change.  I can't explain the change other than something that God did in my heart because it seems so inexplicable.  All of a sudden I felt like I wasn't supposed to be teaching.  I had no desire to pursue it anymore.  It had nothing to do with the failed attempts and countless applications.  Those only led me to where I am now.

I can't say what exactly I'm doing next, because nothing is official yet.  But God answered the prayer I prayed on Leap Day.  He has given me hope for the future.  He has given me the wisdom and courage to pursue what's next.  He has filled me with peace in the midst of so much confusion and frustration. 

And there really isn't anything else I would rather be doing.