change of plans.

Almost two weeks ago, my world changed...a lot.  I was called into my principal's office and she told me she had submitted my name for nonreelection next year.  She told me she had been worried about me back in January and that is when she had to turn in names.  And even though she had seen improvement since then, once my name was submitted there was nothing she could do about it.  I numbly accepted her words, sitting there in complete shock.  She gave me a fake hug and asked if I wanted to sit in her office awhile.  I politely said no thanks and headed back to my classroom where I had to maintain enough composure to teach the rest of the day.  I felt shock to the point of not feeling much of all.  I texted my family (in front of my class, but really didn't care) who were also in shock and totally caught off guard.  I managed to hold back tears, minus my eyes welling up a few times, until the end of the day, when I was finally alone in my classroom after school, and just let myself cry. I pulled myself together enough to tell my BTSA support provider who was coming that afternoon about my news.  She, who has worked most closely with me this year, was also absolutely shocked. 

See, here's where I have the problem.  It's not that I thought I am so perfect that I had no room to improve.  It's that I wasn't given a whole lot of support at my school, least of all from my principal.  Those who I was working with were positive, helpful, and encouraging always, knowing that there's a learning curve to all of this.  There's no way you can go into your first year of teaching knowing everything.  You should also know that my principal had walked through my classroom less than ten times this whole year.  She had never given me an ounce of feedback until my preliminary evaluation in January.  Which I was told not to worry about since it was just a preliminary evaluation, and the second one was the one that would count this year.  Only I was never given that second chance. 
She also mentioned in passing the fact that my test scores had dropped.  Of course, this is a comparison of apples to oranges, comparing 4th grade CST scores to a more difficult 5th grade Benchmark test (which was again given after only a couple of months of my teaching). 

I just feel like I wasn't given a chance.  It's still hard to cope with because it seemed like this job was so long awaited, such a big answer to prayer, I was settling in, getting to know my coworkers, and figuring the whole thing out more each day.  And then I got the rug ripped out from underneath me and lost a huge part of my motivation to do my job well.  After all, they had already fired me...

That's the part I didn't mention.  Her submitting my name for "nonreelection" means I literally cannot work for the district ever in the future, not even as a substitute teacher.  The only loophole, which I will be doing, is to submit a letter of resignation before my contract ends in June.  That keeps my options open more because I could potentially be rehired in the future.  Even still, the whole thing feels harsh.  I don't know what I did to earn this sort of punishment.  I honestly think she didn't like me personally and this was some sort of vindication.  I don't know what I might have done, but still...

Oh, and here's the kicker: my principal is retiring this year, which gives me even more questions about why she did what she did to me.

Now, before I end this post, I should let you know that I'm trying really hard to have a spirit of peace and not bitterness.  I trust that God is in control and completely trustworthy.  I know that He has something else in store for me, whatever it might be.  I will continue to work hard, mostly because I care about my kids and they would ultimately be the ones hurt if I didn't. 

However, I did take today off...just because I could...