letting go.

Last weekend I wrote an update of sorts on what my plans are.  I was questioning whether or not I really wanted to keep teaching.  I was wrestling with the feeling of quitting if I moved on to something else.  And then I woke up Tuesday morning to a missed call and a voicemail from a district I had applied to a couple of weeks prior.  They wanted to interview me for a position they had open. 

In that moment, I was more confused than ever before.  I was just making peace with the idea of moving on and then this came along.

I called back and scheduled the interview for 12:15 on Thursday afternoon.  As much as I tried to not think about it, uncertainty reigned for the next couple of days.  I was having debates in my head about teaching, feeling myself swaying from one direction to the other. 

As much as I should have been, I just wasn't excited about it.  I couldn't muster the enthusiasm.  What if I went through the whole process again, even a second interview, and still got a no?  What if I let myself dream about the job and all of the possibilities and then it all got shattered again? 

No, I refused to let myself dream about it.  I just couldn't risk getting my hopes crushed again.  It felt better to go in with no hope at all.

Now, please let me stop here and say I was thankful for the opportunity.  After all, you really can't complain about not having a job when you don't apply for them.  You have to take risks sometimes and not worry about all of the "what ifs." 

And that's just what I did.  I went to the interview on Thursday and tried to put my best foot forward.  Even though I was nervous, I tried to not let my uncertainty about the job show through.

I was told I would hear something Friday afternoon.  About 5:00 Friday, I got the phone call with another "no." 

It stung at first, as any rejection does.  The slight hope I had had about the job was dashed in a moment.  I had to let go of the idea of teaching, even if for just this year. 

Maybe it's just not meant to be.  Maybe I am meant to do something else.

Right now, there is a (very) small part of me that still wants to teach.  After all, it's the thing I've been working toward for the last 7 years of my life.  I've spent a small fortune getting an education to be able to do just this.  And now, after all of that work, I'm just not sure.  I'm not sure if that's where my life is heading.  And, as hard as it is at times, I also have peace about letting it all go.

This is one of those situations where I'm just going to have wait it out and see what comes next. 

For now I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing (working with my mom and possibly subbing). 

Until then, stay tuned.

now what.

My answer never came, which I guess is an answer in itself.  I went to sub training and signed all of the appropriate paperwork.  School has started, as I'm constantly reminded.  I filled out a few more applications and again heard nothing.  And after all of this, I just feel more confused than ever.  You see, as times goes on I feel my heart changing.  Like, if I never teach again, I think I'm alright with that.  Maybe part of me knew before I started down this road, but I felt like I was giving up something I had worked years for.  I still feel that way now.  But maybe all of this waiting is God trying to tell me something.  Something like I'm supposed to be doing something else.  And then again, maybe not.  Maybe I'm just waiting.  I don't really know what to think anymore.  I've decided to take a little bit at a time.  For now, I'm going to be subbing and continuing in another job that I have.  We'll see where it goes.  I'm just tired of waiting.  Tired of being confused.  Tired of not knowing what on earth I'm supposed to be doing.