leap day.

I told myself I would write at least once a month this year. Well, thank goodness for Leap Year and my bonus day in February!

Do you ever get that feeling of anticipation, like an anxious excitement for something coming? I get it every once in a while, but I usually have no idea what it is I am anticipating. I feels hopeful, yet unknown. That's how I have been feeling the last few weeks. I felt the same thing a few months ago, and again a few months before that.

I have learned to listen to the rhythms of my soul and have come to realize that these feelings often are the Lord stirring in my heart. The problem remains still that I'm not sure where that stirring is leading me. I don't see any big changes coming as far as work, or school, or anything else like that.

As I wait for some direction and discernment, I remember this verse:
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:8‬ ‭(NIV‬‬)

So for all the days I wonder what is being stirred within me, I am confident that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. There is no reason for worry, or fear, or doubt, or discouragement. And then, at just the right time, He will show me which way I should go. I fully believe it.

Last week, as I started to feel these same anxious feelings, I prayed for peace no matter what the circumstances turn out to be. And, while I sit and wait and anticipate what is to come, the Lord has answered my prayer by providing a peace that can only be explained by Him.

And today, this first anniversary (even though it was four years ago, thank you Leap Year) of the day I lost my teaching job, I need that peace all the more. I didn't know then that the loss of that job would be the loss of so much more. I didn't know that it would be the permanent closing of the door to teaching (unless the Lord reopens it one day). I didn't know that confusion and doubts would reign in those coming days.

Since that day, I have had countless people tell me that I should be a teacher. Whether they heard just a snippet of my story, or they saw me in action in some capacity, something about it caused them to tell me to pursue it again.

But what they don't know is that the Lord used that removal of teaching, that thing that I had strived to attain for so many years, to make me into who I am today. Somewhere along the way, my identity became wrapped in teaching and no longer in Christ. So when I lost that job, it took my identity along with it.  It was so much more about who I no longer was than it was about losing my job.  And, until the day I very clearly hear the Lord ask me to pursue teaching again, I will continue where I am now

I may never understand all the reasons why it had to happen the way it did, but it taught me more about myself and the Lord than I would have learned any other way. I have to believe that this is reason enough. And it is good. He is good.