holding on.

I'll spare you all the details, but mid-July I had an interview for a teaching position.  Said they would let me know by the end of July either way.  I was in Washington at the end of July and when no call came, I suspected I didn't get it.  But, I was still holding slight hope since they said they would let me know if I didn't get it, too.  I arrived home from vacation, and after a very long 3.5 week wait, I got my answer in the form of a rejection letter.  It's hard to read even though you are expecting it.

Fast forward to last week.  I had basically resigned myself to continuing subbing next year, really against my wishes, but having no other options.  Tuesday I'm sitting in safety training for one of the districts I work in (which went 40 minutes longer than they said it would!) and feel my phone vibrating against my foot in my purse.  I check it when they finally release us and it is a couple of missed calls, no voicemail, from a number I don't recognize.  Gathering my courage to make that call, I call the number feeling a little dumb when I have to say I don't know who called me, what they wanted, and still not really knowing where I was calling.  All I heard when she answered the phone was "Mmmfiuenbstuia School District."  The secretary transferred the call to the woman who had called me and I found out they wanted to interview me for a 3rd grade I had applied for (only then did I figure which district it was).  That was Friday afternoon.  They told they would contact whoever got the job "shortly."  I'm not exactly sure what shortly meant, but I know it meant before today because that would have been when I started.  No call.  I mean, no surprise there. 

But the problem is, every time I get that call for an interview, I get so excited.  I start imagining the possibilities.  What it's going to be like to have my class, how I'm going to do things, etc.  And the disappointment of not getting the job seems to crush me a little bit more each time.  I'm trying not to be discouraged, but I can't really stop.  In some ways, I think I would have rather not had all those interviews.  At least then I wouldn't have had my hopes trampled on.  And again, and again.

So, I find myself in the exact same place I did last year, only now I'm even more disappointed because I don't have the excuse of school to fall back on.  I know that those jobs went to great teachers.  There's a lot of people out there and they are all just as qualified for the job.  I get that.  But it still is disappointing.  And it's much harder than I ever imagined it could be.