leap day.

I told myself I would write at least once a month this year. Well, thank goodness for Leap Year and my bonus day in February!

Do you ever get that feeling of anticipation, like an anxious excitement for something coming? I get it every once in a while, but I usually have no idea what it is I am anticipating. I feels hopeful, yet unknown. That's how I have been feeling the last few weeks. I felt the same thing a few months ago, and again a few months before that.

I have learned to listen to the rhythms of my soul and have come to realize that these feelings often are the Lord stirring in my heart. The problem remains still that I'm not sure where that stirring is leading me. I don't see any big changes coming as far as work, or school, or anything else like that.

As I wait for some direction and discernment, I remember this verse:
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:8‬ ‭(NIV‬‬)

So for all the days I wonder what is being stirred within me, I am confident that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. There is no reason for worry, or fear, or doubt, or discouragement. And then, at just the right time, He will show me which way I should go. I fully believe it.

Last week, as I started to feel these same anxious feelings, I prayed for peace no matter what the circumstances turn out to be. And, while I sit and wait and anticipate what is to come, the Lord has answered my prayer by providing a peace that can only be explained by Him.

And today, this first anniversary (even though it was four years ago, thank you Leap Year) of the day I lost my teaching job, I need that peace all the more. I didn't know then that the loss of that job would be the loss of so much more. I didn't know that it would be the permanent closing of the door to teaching (unless the Lord reopens it one day). I didn't know that confusion and doubts would reign in those coming days.

Since that day, I have had countless people tell me that I should be a teacher. Whether they heard just a snippet of my story, or they saw me in action in some capacity, something about it caused them to tell me to pursue it again.

But what they don't know is that the Lord used that removal of teaching, that thing that I had strived to attain for so many years, to make me into who I am today. Somewhere along the way, my identity became wrapped in teaching and no longer in Christ. So when I lost that job, it took my identity along with it.  It was so much more about who I no longer was than it was about losing my job.  And, until the day I very clearly hear the Lord ask me to pursue teaching again, I will continue where I am now

I may never understand all the reasons why it had to happen the way it did, but it taught me more about myself and the Lord than I would have learned any other way. I have to believe that this is reason enough. And it is good. He is good.

and so is any discipline worth having.

I wrote these words a month or so ago, but they seemed fitting to share in the midst of New Year resolutions. I hope that you find encouragement in whatever your circumstances may be:


It has taken me years to realize, most of my life actually, this one point: the disciplines of the physical body are profoundly spiritual. When I started a little over a year ago on the mission to get fit, it didn't occur to me. I did the things I was supposed to do: eat right (or at least, increasingly better than I had) and exercise. The weight started to come off while the muscle began to become stronger, more defined. A couple of months of progress, and then it seemed like nothing was happening at all. No matter how hard I tried in my own strength to make something happen, I couldn't do it. I couldn't will that scale to budge, or anything else for that matter.

As I walked through this journey throughout the last 16 months or so, I realized that the road to becoming fit parallels a journey of faith. It takes a million small moments, a million small decisions, to walk faithfully with the Lord. Having faith doesn't come out of nowhere, only showing up in the big moments or decisions we have to make; it's practiced in the quiet, everyday moments of our lives. And so, I have come to realize, is any discipline worth having. It is the sum of those everyday moments and decisions that ends up defining what we become.

There was a point awhile back when I said to myself: I wish I could just choose to wake up today and be thinner and fit and exactly where I want to end up. I wouldn't say no if it happened, but the reality it, the growth comes in the process. It's in those hard moments, the struggle, the place where hope seems futile, that God meets me. He sees my need, He knows me intimately, and He cares about me deeply. And, most of all, He will never abandon me. But He used those moments I wish would go away to strengthen the roots of my faith, to give me a deeper knowledge of Him that I otherwise would not have known.

So, in the struggle, in the midst, I have decided that it doesn't matter how long it takes. I don't need to wake up tomorrow and have met all of my goals. The journey is not merely physical, but deeply rooted in my spiritual growth. Oh, that He might change me through and through.


And so, on mornings like this January one, when all I want to do is continue sleeping when my early morning alarm goes off, I make myself get up and run.  I decided to set a goal for 2016: to run 1,000 miles. And, well, those miles aren't going to run themselves. 

in everything, give thanks.

It's November, which means our world is beginning to pick up speed as we head into the "holiday" season, the season that arguably gets longer every year. It's a season that I love, though, and I actually have to intentionally not let myself listen to Christmas music. Because, if I'm not careful, I'd skip right past Thanksgiving...that all important reminder that we have SO much to be thankful for...

But I don't want to live a life that only gives thanks one day of the year. Or even one month of the year.

This week I was challenged by the words of a study entitled "In Everything, Give Thanks" put out by #Shereadstruth, so I'm writing it here because I want, no I need, to remember the truth of these words, and because I could have written them myself:

"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done."

(Psalm 105:1, NLT)

"What is God’s will for my life?

Oh, the many anxious hours I have spent with this question on repeat, searching for a spiritual formula to solve life’s riddles. My college years especially were a mishmash of trusting the Lord with newfound abandon yet agonizing over every decision. What am I supposed to study? Am I supposed to go on this mission trip or that one?  The questions seemed to never end.

The weight of my young world balanced precariously on so many question marks. Sometimes it still does.

It isn’t that my college self's questions were not legitimate or important. They absolutely were. The questions were big and I felt small, and life seemed like the sum of a million puzzles, most missing a piece (or ten). Sometimes it still does. But as the years pass and draw me closer the Lord, a surprising truth has become apparent: God’s will is not a problem to be solved.

God’s Word tells me His faithfulness does not depend on my wisdom. (Lamentations 3:22-24)
God’s Word tells me His grace does not depend on my performance. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
God’s Word tells me that whatever shape my life takes, His steadfastness and goodness trump whatever is going on around me. (Psalm 136)

And if all that is true? It changes how I view every single circumstance in my life.

Our circumstances are big, but our God is bigger. As we learn to trust the bigness of our God and the sureness of His sovereignty, we find His will is not as much a path as it is a way of walking. Paul says as much in his letter to the church at Thessalonica, when He reduces all our agonizing life questions to a non-formula so simple it makes the perfectionists among us a little crazy:

Rejoice always.
Pray without ceasing.
Give thanks in all circumstances.
THIS is God’s will for us in Christ Jesus.
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

No hoops to jump through.
No tests to pass.
No situational tidiness required.
Only actively resting in the goodness of our God.

Why an active resting? Because rejoicing is not a passive pursuit. Thanksgiving is not just an emotion. We are to declare God’s goodness in every circumstance! We are to let the world know what He has done and what He is doing! We are to pray to Him, seek Him, give Him thanks with an expectant, joyful heart. This is God’s will for us in Jesus! Exclamation point!

Oh, friends, there are so many heartaches among us today. So many question marks, so much waiting, so many hard puzzles missing a piece. But He is good. In everything, He is good.

His love for you is steadfast, no matter the path you’re walking.
 His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling.
It is not up to you to be the god of your circumstances. It is for you to give thanks to the One who is larger than your circumstances."



We don't have to sit and worry and wonder what it is God's will is for our lives. Because his word tells us exactly what that is:

Rejoice always. In the good and the bad. In every circumstance and every situation. Because in the end good has already won and our hope in Jesus is sure.

Pray without ceasing. As in always. Pray for others fervently. Pray with confidence that the Lord hears and will answer, no matter what form that answer comes. Pray to be more like Jesus everyday, that the Holy Spirit would change and mold your heart to be a little more like Christ each day.

Give thanks in all circumstances. Oh, so much easier said than done. We praise God when the good things come, but the praises might flow more slowly from our lips when the bad things come instead. But out God, our faith in Him, is not dependent on emotion or circumstances. He is always good. Always. Even when we lose jobs and loved ones, and other securities that life seems to offer. Give thanks in every moment, in all things.

Because these three things, these are the will of God for your life. It's not that the questions we want answered, the circumstances we face, are suddenly less important. But when we put our present in the hands of God, rejoicing in Him, in prayer, and with a truly thankful heart. Well, that changes things. It shifts our perspective.

And that is exactly how I want to live my life.

in order to remember.

It occurs to me that I might be the worst blogger ever. That's ok, since not many people read this anyway. I started this blog 5 or so years ago so that I might remember. Remember what I've learned, where I've been, and to be able to look back and see the person that the Lord is shaping me to be.  I've long known that I express my thoughts best in written words, much preferring a paper to a speech any day of the week. The years this blog encompasses have been so good, but so hard. Growing up, learning a lot, facing life's realities, and on and on and on. And so, I write so that I might remember.

I have had an overwhelming urge to write over the past few months. About nothing in particular, really, yet so much has been happening. To do a bullet point summary does no justice to all I have done and learned and hope to do. However, here are a few highlights from the past however long it has been.

A year and a few months ago, I started a new job and a new career path. Work is good, but the thing that keeps me most busy in my "off" hours is going to school. When I finished my Masters, I said "no more." And yet, here I am working on a B.S. In Accounting. This semester I am taking 3 courses, not all at once, but they overlap (it's complicated to explain) and it's a lot. My days are bursting to full, I go to bed too late, and get up too early. But life is good. And I don't really know how to rest, but that's another story.

The journey to now has been hard and long, but in the process the Lord taught me some things about myself...
...That I've lived much of my life ruled by the expectations of others
...That I am not the person today that I would have thought I would be when I "dreamed up" my life.  Let's be real: I thought I'd be a wife and mom, or at least on the path to there, by this point in my life. I thought I'd live in my own house and ideally able to stay home and be "mom."  And the Lord has had to teach me that my own expectations have ruled me. I don't long for these things every day, as though they are the sole thing I think about. But the prayers are real and my heart is hopeful for the future someday.
...That I don't have to be perfect, to try to meet everyone else's approval, or really, to please what others think I should be doing with my life. And, I don't say it flippantly, as though the opinions of those close to me don't matter at all. It's just that they don't rule my thoughts anymore. And I'm not afraid to take a stand and make my own decisions.
...That it is good to try new things. It sounds obvious to some, but I'm not an adventurous spirit. I love to go and see, but be able to return home to the familiar. But I want to be ok with not just going and seeing, but doing as well. I don't want to live a stagnant life. 
...That it's ok to be a work in progress. It's good to pray for what I want, as long as I recognize that those desires mean nothing apart from God. That there is nothing worthwhile to spend my energy and resources on when I do not care about the things God has prepared for me. And so, I wait. But I do not stop living while I wait. Because it is in that wait where life happens and we are refined to be a little more like Christ. 

And that is worth it all. 

a will that is not my own.

Perhaps one of the most human moments that we see Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane.  It is there he goes to pray.  He knew what was coming.  Read back a few chapters and you’ll see Him predicting His death multiple times.  And then there was The Last Supper, where he tells his disciples that one will betray him.  He knew what was coming. 

 

In the Garden, Jesus tells his disciples to pray with Him – “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me” (Matthew 26:38).

 

And then Jesus walks off to be alone with the Father and we can hear the sorrow in His words as He asks to not have to suffer what was coming.  He asks “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me” – our glimpse of humanity, as we ask to be spared painful sufferings every day of our lives.  Yet Jesus continues “nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  A total surrender because He knew that the Father had it all under control.

 

A quick reading might suggest that Jesus was trying to avoid the physical suffering of the cross.  There may be some degree of truth to that, for it was the most cruel and painful way to die in those days.  But Jesus knew that the suffering would be so much greater – He was going to take on the full wrath of God as payment for our sins.  And that wrath would separate Him from His Father, a spiritual suffering so much greater than the physical.

 

Yet, He was willing – “not as I will, but as you will.”  May we be always be thankful for His willingness.

 

And oh, that that might be my attitude and prayer about all things.  I’m slowly learning – and then relearning - just what it means to surrender those things I like to hold onto so tightly, so deluded that a tight grasp will give me control.  Life doesn’t look as I thought it would some years back - still “not as I will, but as you will.”  

 

Moments after this scene, Judas arrives with soldiers and kisses Jesus, his way of identifying Him, betraying Him for silver coins that were equal to a month’s wages.  And Jesus goes off with the soldiers obediently.  He knew what was coming and He didn’t fight it. 

 

‘Christ’s response to Judas wasn’t assign of weakness.  It was love.  Love for Judas.  Love for the Father.

 

And in His love, He honored His Father, just as He had promised in Gethsemane.

 

And in His love – not just for Judas, and not only for the Father, but for us – He was led to His trial.  And He was sentenced to death.  And his blood covers my betrayals and yours.  It covers the times we’ve chosen a month’s wages over honoring the One we call Lord.  It covers the times we push Him aside to further ourselves.

 

Your betrayals and mine.  His blood covers it all.  And he calls us “friend.”’

 

(From SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 4)

 

May we look at those who have hurt us or betrayed us and respond as Jesus did.  May we be obedient to the One who endured the cross for us.

true love.

​

It's a hard story to read.  And if you don't know how it ends, it really does seem like darkness has overcome and evil wins this one.

 

I always think of the Phil Wickham song, "True Love," on Good Friday:

            Come, close, listen to the story

            About a love more faithful than the morning…

 

As soon as Jesus is taken away from the Garden, he is put on trial.  The only evidence against him is false accusations.  The Jewish crowd that shouted "Hosanna" just a few days earlier was now passionately shouting "Crucify him."  When given the choice, they freed a criminal and condemned Jesus.

 

It seems unjust.  And that's because it is.  He didn't do a single thing wrong, yet he was condemned.  And beaten, and whipped, and crowned with thorns, and forced to carry the cross that would summon Him into death. 

 

You see, here's the thing:  Jesus is God.  He is perfect and righteous.  He shouldn't even be associated with death, because death is the punishment for sin.

 

And even though darkness seems to win on this day, we remember it by calling it "Good."  Although it is a day of mourning, it is so supremely good. 

 

As you read the account in John 19:16-37, the references to fulfillments of prophecy are intertwined.  "John shows us God – working out His purposes in this poor, fallen world.  In a situation where God seems to be completely absent, He has been present for ages." (SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 6)

 

Isaiah 53:5-6, written many years before Jesus walked this earth, reminds us that God has it all planned:

            "But he was pierced for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

Upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed. 

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned – every one – to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

  

And when Christ breathes His last words on the cross just before His death, he says only, "It is finished."  It's not just the agony of his death, by which he bore the wrath of God against sin in the place of His people.  His life is literally over, but He has also completed the work of salvation.

 

It is finished.  Once for all time.  His blood, the wrath he bore, it is finished. 

 

He bore it all, completed the work, and we are offered salvation because of it.

 

Is there any better news, anything more "good" than this?

 

 

 

"The earth was shaking in the dark

All creation felt the Father's broken heart

Tears were filling heaven's eyes

The day that true love died

When blood and water hit the ground

Wall we couldn't move came crashing down

We were free and made alive

The day that true love died"

 

Phil Wickham, "True Love"

when all we feel is weary.

Some days I can’t help but feel the weight on humanity upon me.  It is on those days that the aches and pains are all too strong.  When all I can hear is the bad news.  When I hear of a friend losing their job much like I did two years ago.  When the needs I see are greater than my ability to meet them.  When I watch lives fall apart because of bad decisions.  When I hear of the hurts of this life and the suffering that is far too great.  When all we feel is weary.  Oh, isn’t that every day in this life we live?

On days like Tuesday, when I woke up with a back that was stiff and sore and led to a tension headache in the back of my head all day.  It hurt to move and breathe and think. Oh, I know it is only temporary and far less than some suffer constantly.  Yes, it wasn’t that bad and it was only one day.  But it was a strong reminder of my humanity and this Easter week.

Since Palm Sunday I have been reading and reflecting on the events that happened more than 2000 years ago, yet still are so important to remember today.  (If you haven’t already heard, SheReadsTruth is an awesome online ministry started by some pretty awesome women that love Jesus and they have a daily reading and devotional.  It is geared toward women, but I’m sure there are men that read along as well, because the truth is the truth.  So you should all go check it out.)  The events of Easter week were dark and full of betrayal and it felt like evil had triumphed.  But let us go back to the beginning before we skip to the middle.

The story of Palm Sunday has always been a curious one to me.  Jesus enters Jerusalem only to leave again.  It seemed unnecessary to my feeble mind.  But on that day, the crowds welcomed Jesus into Jerusalem shouting “Hosanna!”  From the New Testament time forward, it means praise and adoration, but back in the Old Testament it was a cry to help and save.  Oh, what a beautiful picture when you think about it.  The people were shouting out a cry for saving to the only One who truly could save them.  And He will do the same for us. 

And then Jesus does another curious thing – he goes into the city of Jerusalem and rides straight to the temple.  We’ve all heard the story of Jesus driving out the sellers, the ones who had made it into a “den of robbers” (Matthew 21:13).  But then He does something I had never really noticed or spent much time thinking on:

“And the blind and the lame came to him in the temple, and he healed them” (Matthew 21:14).

Did you notice it?  He drove out the ones that perverted the temple of God and turned it into a place of greed and privilege and invited in the ones that the world had ignored.  “The blind, the lame, the children all come in and Jesus welcomes them, heals them, confirms their place among Him.  He cleared out those who profaned the temple and ushered in those who humbly sought after God” (SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 2). 

And isn’t that us?  The ones who don’t “deserve” Him, yet need Him so desperately?