in order to remember.

It occurs to me that I might be the worst blogger ever. That's ok, since not many people read this anyway. I started this blog 5 or so years ago so that I might remember. Remember what I've learned, where I've been, and to be able to look back and see the person that the Lord is shaping me to be.  I've long known that I express my thoughts best in written words, much preferring a paper to a speech any day of the week. The years this blog encompasses have been so good, but so hard. Growing up, learning a lot, facing life's realities, and on and on and on. And so, I write so that I might remember.

I have had an overwhelming urge to write over the past few months. About nothing in particular, really, yet so much has been happening. To do a bullet point summary does no justice to all I have done and learned and hope to do. However, here are a few highlights from the past however long it has been.

A year and a few months ago, I started a new job and a new career path. Work is good, but the thing that keeps me most busy in my "off" hours is going to school. When I finished my Masters, I said "no more." And yet, here I am working on a B.S. In Accounting. This semester I am taking 3 courses, not all at once, but they overlap (it's complicated to explain) and it's a lot. My days are bursting to full, I go to bed too late, and get up too early. But life is good. And I don't really know how to rest, but that's another story.

The journey to now has been hard and long, but in the process the Lord taught me some things about myself...
...That I've lived much of my life ruled by the expectations of others
...That I am not the person today that I would have thought I would be when I "dreamed up" my life.  Let's be real: I thought I'd be a wife and mom, or at least on the path to there, by this point in my life. I thought I'd live in my own house and ideally able to stay home and be "mom."  And the Lord has had to teach me that my own expectations have ruled me. I don't long for these things every day, as though they are the sole thing I think about. But the prayers are real and my heart is hopeful for the future someday.
...That I don't have to be perfect, to try to meet everyone else's approval, or really, to please what others think I should be doing with my life. And, I don't say it flippantly, as though the opinions of those close to me don't matter at all. It's just that they don't rule my thoughts anymore. And I'm not afraid to take a stand and make my own decisions.
...That it is good to try new things. It sounds obvious to some, but I'm not an adventurous spirit. I love to go and see, but be able to return home to the familiar. But I want to be ok with not just going and seeing, but doing as well. I don't want to live a stagnant life. 
...That it's ok to be a work in progress. It's good to pray for what I want, as long as I recognize that those desires mean nothing apart from God. That there is nothing worthwhile to spend my energy and resources on when I do not care about the things God has prepared for me. And so, I wait. But I do not stop living while I wait. Because it is in that wait where life happens and we are refined to be a little more like Christ. 

And that is worth it all. 

a will that is not my own.

Perhaps one of the most human moments that we see Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane.  It is there he goes to pray.  He knew what was coming.  Read back a few chapters and you’ll see Him predicting His death multiple times.  And then there was The Last Supper, where he tells his disciples that one will betray him.  He knew what was coming. 

 

In the Garden, Jesus tells his disciples to pray with Him – “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me” (Matthew 26:38).

 

And then Jesus walks off to be alone with the Father and we can hear the sorrow in His words as He asks to not have to suffer what was coming.  He asks “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me” – our glimpse of humanity, as we ask to be spared painful sufferings every day of our lives.  Yet Jesus continues “nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  A total surrender because He knew that the Father had it all under control.

 

A quick reading might suggest that Jesus was trying to avoid the physical suffering of the cross.  There may be some degree of truth to that, for it was the most cruel and painful way to die in those days.  But Jesus knew that the suffering would be so much greater – He was going to take on the full wrath of God as payment for our sins.  And that wrath would separate Him from His Father, a spiritual suffering so much greater than the physical.

 

Yet, He was willing – “not as I will, but as you will.”  May we be always be thankful for His willingness.

 

And oh, that that might be my attitude and prayer about all things.  I’m slowly learning – and then relearning - just what it means to surrender those things I like to hold onto so tightly, so deluded that a tight grasp will give me control.  Life doesn’t look as I thought it would some years back - still “not as I will, but as you will.”  

 

Moments after this scene, Judas arrives with soldiers and kisses Jesus, his way of identifying Him, betraying Him for silver coins that were equal to a month’s wages.  And Jesus goes off with the soldiers obediently.  He knew what was coming and He didn’t fight it. 

 

‘Christ’s response to Judas wasn’t assign of weakness.  It was love.  Love for Judas.  Love for the Father.

 

And in His love, He honored His Father, just as He had promised in Gethsemane.

 

And in His love – not just for Judas, and not only for the Father, but for us – He was led to His trial.  And He was sentenced to death.  And his blood covers my betrayals and yours.  It covers the times we’ve chosen a month’s wages over honoring the One we call Lord.  It covers the times we push Him aside to further ourselves.

 

Your betrayals and mine.  His blood covers it all.  And he calls us “friend.”’

 

(From SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 4)

 

May we look at those who have hurt us or betrayed us and respond as Jesus did.  May we be obedient to the One who endured the cross for us.

true love.

​

It's a hard story to read.  And if you don't know how it ends, it really does seem like darkness has overcome and evil wins this one.

 

I always think of the Phil Wickham song, "True Love," on Good Friday:

            Come, close, listen to the story

            About a love more faithful than the morning…

 

As soon as Jesus is taken away from the Garden, he is put on trial.  The only evidence against him is false accusations.  The Jewish crowd that shouted "Hosanna" just a few days earlier was now passionately shouting "Crucify him."  When given the choice, they freed a criminal and condemned Jesus.

 

It seems unjust.  And that's because it is.  He didn't do a single thing wrong, yet he was condemned.  And beaten, and whipped, and crowned with thorns, and forced to carry the cross that would summon Him into death. 

 

You see, here's the thing:  Jesus is God.  He is perfect and righteous.  He shouldn't even be associated with death, because death is the punishment for sin.

 

And even though darkness seems to win on this day, we remember it by calling it "Good."  Although it is a day of mourning, it is so supremely good. 

 

As you read the account in John 19:16-37, the references to fulfillments of prophecy are intertwined.  "John shows us God – working out His purposes in this poor, fallen world.  In a situation where God seems to be completely absent, He has been present for ages." (SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 6)

 

Isaiah 53:5-6, written many years before Jesus walked this earth, reminds us that God has it all planned:

            "But he was pierced for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

Upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed. 

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned – every one – to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

  

And when Christ breathes His last words on the cross just before His death, he says only, "It is finished."  It's not just the agony of his death, by which he bore the wrath of God against sin in the place of His people.  His life is literally over, but He has also completed the work of salvation.

 

It is finished.  Once for all time.  His blood, the wrath he bore, it is finished. 

 

He bore it all, completed the work, and we are offered salvation because of it.

 

Is there any better news, anything more "good" than this?

 

 

 

"The earth was shaking in the dark

All creation felt the Father's broken heart

Tears were filling heaven's eyes

The day that true love died

When blood and water hit the ground

Wall we couldn't move came crashing down

We were free and made alive

The day that true love died"

 

Phil Wickham, "True Love"

when all we feel is weary.

Some days I can’t help but feel the weight on humanity upon me.  It is on those days that the aches and pains are all too strong.  When all I can hear is the bad news.  When I hear of a friend losing their job much like I did two years ago.  When the needs I see are greater than my ability to meet them.  When I watch lives fall apart because of bad decisions.  When I hear of the hurts of this life and the suffering that is far too great.  When all we feel is weary.  Oh, isn’t that every day in this life we live?

On days like Tuesday, when I woke up with a back that was stiff and sore and led to a tension headache in the back of my head all day.  It hurt to move and breathe and think. Oh, I know it is only temporary and far less than some suffer constantly.  Yes, it wasn’t that bad and it was only one day.  But it was a strong reminder of my humanity and this Easter week.

Since Palm Sunday I have been reading and reflecting on the events that happened more than 2000 years ago, yet still are so important to remember today.  (If you haven’t already heard, SheReadsTruth is an awesome online ministry started by some pretty awesome women that love Jesus and they have a daily reading and devotional.  It is geared toward women, but I’m sure there are men that read along as well, because the truth is the truth.  So you should all go check it out.)  The events of Easter week were dark and full of betrayal and it felt like evil had triumphed.  But let us go back to the beginning before we skip to the middle.

The story of Palm Sunday has always been a curious one to me.  Jesus enters Jerusalem only to leave again.  It seemed unnecessary to my feeble mind.  But on that day, the crowds welcomed Jesus into Jerusalem shouting “Hosanna!”  From the New Testament time forward, it means praise and adoration, but back in the Old Testament it was a cry to help and save.  Oh, what a beautiful picture when you think about it.  The people were shouting out a cry for saving to the only One who truly could save them.  And He will do the same for us. 

And then Jesus does another curious thing – he goes into the city of Jerusalem and rides straight to the temple.  We’ve all heard the story of Jesus driving out the sellers, the ones who had made it into a “den of robbers” (Matthew 21:13).  But then He does something I had never really noticed or spent much time thinking on:

“And the blind and the lame came to him in the temple, and he healed them” (Matthew 21:14).

Did you notice it?  He drove out the ones that perverted the temple of God and turned it into a place of greed and privilege and invited in the ones that the world had ignored.  “The blind, the lame, the children all come in and Jesus welcomes them, heals them, confirms their place among Him.  He cleared out those who profaned the temple and ushered in those who humbly sought after God” (SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 2). 

And isn’t that us?  The ones who don’t “deserve” Him, yet need Him so desperately?

ten on ten, october edition.

For awhile now I've seen the Ten on Ten posts on blogs all around.  I always said to myself "I should do that" and then usually remember on the 11th.  Basically, its 10 pictures that represent 10 hours of my day. 

7 o'clock: Time for work.

 

 

7 o'clock (bonus): Dark hallway.  Only one in the office (again).

 

 

 

 8 o'clock: Designing forms in Access.

 

 

 

 

9 o'clock: Mail time. So happy to be wearing a sweater time.

 

 

 

10 o'clock: In my lab office. 

 

 

 

11 o'clock: Scanning seed for trials.

 

 

12 o'clock...totally missed it!

 

 

1 o'clock: Onions.  Had to venture out past the lab for a bit.

 

 

 

2 o'clock: Bundling seed packets to be planted.

 

 

 

3 o'clock: Packets entered in computer, bundled, and ready to be planted.

 

 

 

4 o'clock: Picking up a colleague at the train station.

 

 

 

5 o'clock: A quick Target run is always dangerous, especially when you wander down tempting aisles.

 

 

Not the most exciting of days, but there is beauty in the ordinary moments.

 

one week in.

Let me begin by saying this was the best week to begin my new job!  That may or may not have something to do with getting two paid holiday days.  But that's a bit besides the point....

Monday morning started bright and early, getting up and out the door by 7:30.  I must admit that having to get up for VBS last week helped train me in getting up early.  I never meant to become lazy, but when you spend a year of your life not having to get up early, you don't tend to get up early.  So, I arrive at work a few minutes before 8:00 and am greeted by a lot of names and faces to learn.  I spent the day arranging my new office and trying to get computer login and email working.  All of that plus a lot of random tasks made the day go by fairly quickly.  I did spend some standing around and waiting, but overall a good day.  All of the guys are very nice to me and seem to appreciate me being there.  They've been without an Office Admin for about a month or so, so I know they are looking forward to things normalizing in the future.  My boss asked me if I minded coming in at 7:00 instead of 8 since they are farmers and are there as the sun is rising.  It might just be a seasonal thing, but I'm not holding my breath on that one yet.  I also started my training in understanding the onion research side of things and the whole process and the codes I need to learn.  It was a lot for my first day!

Tuesday dawned even earlier, but another good day.  I spent much of my day alternating between filling out employment paperwork and getting my email setup and working, filling out information to receive a company credit card, and working out a time to travel north to train at another office since there is no administrative assistant to train me here.  The end of the day was more time spent on learning the label program, printing labels, and other onion research information.  It might sound a bit strange and all, but I find the work they are doing very interesting.  I guess that's a good thing!Wednesday was much like the other two days, complete with watching a very dull driver safety video (just like Driver's Ed) so I can be cleared to drive a company car. 

All in all, a good first week!  I know some of it sounds a bit cryptic, but I don't want to reveal too much specific information here.  I'd be happy to tell you all about it in person though!  Thanks to those who have been praying, this week and all along!  It has been a great experience so far and I'm looking forward to learning more and settling in. 

Hope you all had a great 4th of July!  We didn't do a whole lot around here.  Gramma came over for dinner and I spent much of my day on homework.  The evening was homemade ice cream and keeping the lunatic dog under control from the fireworks.  Then we watched fireworks from the window in the air conditioning.  Best way to go on a hot day!  Today was more homework.  That's pretty much all I did.  On the plus side, I've finished two of the three classes I was taking.  Tonight at midnight (Eastern time) was the end of the term.  Thankfully one of my professors extended the deadlines for his class until Sunday night.  So, just one paper left standing between me and my freedom.  There will be victory tomorrow! 

a new chapter once again.

Apparently I like to check in here every three months or so.  I'm taking a break from writing a paper, so naturally I feel like writing a blog post.  When I last wrote to you, it was the day before beginning school again, this time for Accounting.  So much has happened in the days since then.  Let me summarize my thoughts about it all in saying: "God is faithful."

Just a little over three months ago I was starting back to school, looking forward to learning some new things and even more eager to see where God was leading me in the process.  About a week or two later I really started applying to jobs, more than I had been before.  I had a few interviews and always got the same "thanks, but no thanks" I've grown so accustomed to these past few years.  I continued in school, finishing that term just eight weeks later.  I had exactly one weekend off (which happened to be Mothers' Day weekend) and then it was back to school, this time adding an extra class to the load for a total of three. 

Side note: When a class is only 8 weeks long, the work load is basically doubled to squeeze an entire semester's worth of information and work into half the time.  Two classes, one accounting and one computer programs class (read: easy), was manageable.  Add one more class into the mix and I definitely bit off more than I could chew.  I am definitely anxious to be finished this coming Friday!

Classes have been going well and I'm learning a lot.  I don't hate accounting (something I feared) so that's always a bonus.  But as time continued on, I increasingly felt the need to "get a real job."  Not that I wasn't looking, but I felt the burden much more.  I had (somewhat irrational, but also possible) fears that I would get in a car accident or come down with a rare disease while not having insurance or a steady job.  I feared that I would never find a job where someone would give me a chance to prove myself.  See, I know that I'm smart and I'm capable (that sounds so snotty, but hopefully you know what I mean), but on paper I need more experience.  And it seems that every opportunity just didn't work out. 

Through it all, I had to cling to the truth that God had something in store for my future.  That He never left me, even on the days where I had given up on it all.  On the weeks where I refused to even search for jobs because it left me feeling tired and less than and never good enough.  God never abandoned me and He really has been working all things together for good, beginning with my heart. 

See, the thing is, I always thought I trusted God, thought I knew what that meant.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I was always thankful for the circumstances He had placed me in, thankful for the many blessings I had, but I don't think I truly trusted Him to be in control. I had, without my knowledge, slowly bought into the lie that my circumstances were my safety. 

That is, if I had a steady job, then God was blessing me.

If I did enough, then He would provide for me.

I didn't realize it at first, of course, because it wasn't something I knew to be true.  But somehow my heart believed the lies.  And in the midst of waiting, I finally saw what I needed to see.  That God had never left me.  That He is steadfast, true, and provider of all my needs, faithful above all else.

The last few weeks have been particularly tumultuous due to a turn of events.  You see, one of the jobs I interviewed for way back in March called me back in June saying the person they hired didn't work out and they wanted to interview me again if I was still interested.  I went back out the next day for that interview, full of peace that God was in control.  It's probably the least nervous I've ever been in an interview, only mildly hopeful that I would get the job and somewhat fearful that I would get burned twice.  The following Monday they called me back, asking for my references and wanting to interview me again (this would be the fourth time).  A few hours later, I received another phone call, this time an interview for a teaching position. 

All of a sudden I was caught between two worlds again.  I thought God was leading one direction, but when I got the call about teaching, I had to wonder if all I had needed was a break.

On Wednesday of that week, the first job called me to offer the position to me.  All I felt was upset.  It probably sounds stupid, since it was something I had been longing after for so long.  But it seemed like God was opening the doors to teaching and this was just in the way.  I had my teaching interview the next day (Thursday) and I felt like it went well, but I finally heard last week that it was just another no. 

In the meantime, I accepted the job I was offered.  My first day is tomorrow.

I've been trying not to think about it a lot, not wanting to get nervous, not knowing exactly what to expect.  My prayer is for is to be the right place for me, that I can learn the job quickly and well and that I will excel there.  If you are wondering what I'll be doing, join the club.  I am too!  All I can tell you today is that the position is an Administrative Assistant for an agricultural research company working with onions. 

I don't know why God opened (and then shut) the door for teaching again.  I do know that He has been working on my heart tremendously.  Where I didn't want to teach before, now I am open to the possibility.  Maybe that's the most important thing here, to be willing to be used by  God in any capacity that He chooses. 

Praise God for His faithfulness!  I'll let you know how my first day goes.