dynamic.

My life is static.

I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. Nothing really changes.

The problem is not so much that I have nothing to do. I keep myself busy enough, some days more than others. However, I feel like I could or should be doing so much more with my life.

So there lies the real problem. I think my life is static because I don't know which direction to begin moving.

Realistically, I won't be finding a full-time position, at least not in teaching, come fall. I'm sure I could get a job doing something else, but I feel like that is giving up on teaching without ever really getting a chance to begin.

So, do I go back to school? Get my M.A.? Do something else entirely? Is it a waste of time to get a Masters in Teaching if I can't find a teaching job? There are a number of options to consider...or rather, three:

The first is go back to/continue at Biola. A Masters is 30 units, and I have already completed 12 of those in my student teaching. I can complete 9 units on campus, and then an additional 9 units online. So, it would really only require me to be back down there for a semester full-time. But, do I want to move back down? I could commute one day a week, but that would draw the 2 semester completion time out to more like 4.

The second option is to complete another program that is online. The one I think I would consider most is the MAT program at USC. I've looked at it a little bit, but I don't know much about it. The upside of this is that I could stay home and complete it. The downside is the fact that the 12 units of student teaching I've completed will count for nothing (at least to my current understanding).

The third option is to complete a local program, such as Cal State (definitely not my first choice), or an extension program through a school like Fresno Pacific or Point Loma. I'm actually not positive of all of the local programs, but I'm still pretty sure that those 12 units would not transfer.

Those, of course, are just the options to pursue my Masters. If I do continue teaching, I'll eventually get my Masters. So why not now? I have also considered going to school for an alternate career path. What would that be? I have no idea. Business/Accounting? Single-subject credential? Something else?

That's what is going on in my head. The more time that passes, the more I feel the need to do something. I do know that whatever I choose, I need my life to be dynamic. Moving forward. Accomplishing something.

Prayers would be appreciated.

taking a break.

I've been thinking about writing for the last two weeks. But thinking is as far as I have gotten. The last week of March/beginning of April was Spring Break for the elementary schools here, which naturally means I got the week off from subbing. I had few plans, most of which consisted of working for my mom, catching up on some TV shows, and reading. Pretty exciting, huh? Yeah...hence the reason I haven't written.

Last week turned into an unexpected extension of Spring Break. I didn't receive any calls to sub all week. I assume since the teachers had a week off, they figured they could work a week. Since I didn't know I would have the week off again, I had no plans, which led to me doing basically nothing all week again.

On the upside, I finally started to clean up my pit of a room. It was fairly clean at one point since I've been home, but quickly accumulated more junk. I've still got a long way to go to get the room clean, but that's nothing compared to the closet I need to clean out. Four and a half years of moving between home and school led me to stash unnecessary things in my closet, thinking I would get to it later. Well, now is later, and now it's a bit overwhelming. I'm trying to clean a little everyday...we'll see how it goes. Even if I only put a few things away, it's progress, right?

Well, the tradition continues on today, with still no calls to sub. I'm just continuing to trust that I'll work again, hopefully one day soon. Sorry for the boring post...it definitely sums up my past two weeks...

provision.

Let me take a break from recapping my days of substitute teaching to talk a little about how I actually feel about subbing. To sum it up, I have completely mixed emotions and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Ok...let me explain.

In theory it sounds perfect...or close to it, anyway. You don't have to work all day, or all week for that matter, you don't have to plan anything, you usually get to do fun things with the kids, etc. So what's the problem? Well, one of the things I enjoy most in life is organizing and planning. You would never know it by the state of my room right now, but I really like things organized. I like to be able to plan ahead. I like going to bed knowing what time I'll wake up the next morning, or what the next day holds. In the world of substitute teaching, you are pretty much at the beck and call (literally) of the schools. You never know when work is coming, so planning ahead is nonexistent.

I always have my cell phone with me when I do places, but around the house, if I leave it upstairs all evening, so be it. Not so anymore. I literally have to chain my cell phone to my hand. The problem with most of the districts I've signed up with is that they use an automated system. So, if you miss the call, you also miss your opportunity for a job. I now affectionately refer to my phone as my "ball and chain." I don't go anywhere without it now. And I don't really like that feeling. One good thing about the automated systems is that they have specific calling times. For future jobs, it's 6-10 pm. For jobs that day, they begin calling at 5am. That is one hour I am not willing to wake up. I just pray that I never get a call before 6. Tuesday they cut it close by calling at 6:01 am. There is one district I work for, though, that does not have an automated system and can, therefore, call at any time. They just like to keep me on my toes, I guess.

It's not all bad, though, because most days I actually enjoy the work. And it usually isn't that hard, which is always nice. And maybe the best (but still difficult) lesson I have learned, or really am learning now, is how to trust in the Lord's provision. I know that He will provide all that I need, when I need it. I guess I just need to remember that.

sunflowers.

Do you like the blog design? I took the picture myself a couple of years ago, and it's still one of my favorites.

tales of substitute teaching.

Two weeks ago yesterday marked my first day as a substitute teacher. Since then, I have worked a whopping total of 3 full days and 4 half days. I'll blog more about my feelings toward subbing later, but first, let's get to the stories.


I was assigned to sub in a Kindergarten class my first two days. I arrived Tuesday morning, bright and early, and learned that the class I was subbing for had a student teacher. Unsure of where she was in the program, I did not want to assume that I did not have to teach. Upon meeting her, though, I learned that she was teaching full time and I was merely there for legal purposes as a supervisor. So, my first day of substitute teaching, and I've already had my first student teacher! The morning went by uneventfully, and I was actually a little bored of just roaming around the class and helping as needed. Lunch came and I went to the teacher's lounge to eat. There were a number of teachers and staff members in there, but I spoke to only a few teachers near me. Another Kindergarten teacher (who had been a big help to me when I first arrived and there was question of whether the student teacher was going to be there) sat next to me. With about 10 minutes left of lunch, I was just getting ready to head back to the classroom. All of a sudden the teacher next to me began choking on a piece of orange, quietly at first, then quickly turning into a violent choking and she could no longer breathe. Thankfully, there was another person standing right next to her, who then began to do the Heimlich Manuever on her. After what felt like about 5 minutes, but in reality was about 20 seconds, the orange dislodged from her throat and she was able to breathe again. Everyone was slightly in shock of what had just happened. I went back to the classroom just as the student teacher was bringing in the students. About 5 minutes later, the school secretary came into the classroom and asked me to take over the other Kindergarten class so the teacher could go home. I was given about 10 minutes while the class was entertained by the third Kindergarten teacher to figure out what on earth I was going to do with the class for the next 2 hours and 15 minutes. I found what I thought was the math worksheet for that day, as well as a few other worksheet activities that would keep them occupied for awhile. The class was interesting, to say the least, but I made it through without killing any children. ;) I was thankful to have one of the moms come into the class that normally volunteers in the morning to help me out. She especially helped when it came to dismissal time and helping me to know where each student was supposed to go.

Wednesday I was back in the same Kindergarten class (the original one) and the day was entirely uneventful. The student teacher and I were both surprised to find out we had an assembly to go to that no one had told us about that afternoon. It was nice, though, since it was a whole hour with which we didn't have to do much except make sure the kids stayed in their seats. The funny story of the day: The student teacher was having the kids write answers on their whiteboards and show them to her to check. One little boy held his up at a 45 degree angle and, with a serious expression on his face, said, "Look! It's a solar panel!" Oh, man. The things kids know...

Friday was a different experience, as I was asked to sub in a pre-K class. These kids are adorable, hilarious, and sometimes little brats, which you could probably say about most kids their age, right? Anyway, it was Fun Friday, which meant that after nap time (a whole 1.5 hours in which I get to sit and do nothing), we would have snack, play outside, and watch a movie until it was time to go home. Pretty uneventful, not so much work. This is my kind of subbing. Oh, may I just mention that I am not a huge fan of cartoons and having to sit through a cartoon movie (non-Disney, of course...I like those) for an hour and 15 minutes was a little like torture. Thank goodness for my iPhone...which I may or may not have been using. The atmosphere is really low-key, by the way. My "helper", who was more like the teacher that day, was looking at used cars online during nap time. And I should also mention that there were only 6 kids, instead of the usual 10. And all of the troublemakers were absent.

The following Monday afternoon found me again in the Pre-K class. Today the "troublemakers" were there, bringing the count up to 9 students. As I arrived, the morning teacher informed me that a nurse was going to be coming in while I was there because one of the students have been having seizures in the previous weeks. Awesome. I was thankful that the nurse was there, because I didn't want that kind of responsibility. But I was even more thankful that we didn't need the nurse. No longer Fun Friday, we had to "work" after playing outside. Only our work consisted of making the letter X with craft sticks, gluing them on a piece of construction paper, and covering them with Trix. Not so much work, more like a mess and a snack. Then I just had to supervise the kids while they played. It's funny to me that there are two (plus 1) adults there while they are napping, eating a snack, etc., but when it comes to watching the kids play, cleaning up messes, and sending them home, I'm the only one there. I am glad that I'm not the only one there the whole time, though. Anyhow, another good day, with really nothing of significance to report. Funny story of the day: We were outside playing for about 30 minutes. The other teacher was telling some of the kids to not play over by the building. As they were running back to the grass, one little girl says, "You better come back or you'll get fired." Wait, what? So the teacher asks her what she means. The girl responds, "When you do things you are not supposed to do, you get fired like my mom." Oops. You can find out all kinds of things from these kids. Things I'm pretty sure their parents would not be thrilled with their sharing.

Ok, more to come. I've already spent to much time writing today, so I'll have to share the rest soon.

faithfulness.

"I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.

He has made my skin and my flesh grow old and has broken my bones. He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.

Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help. He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrows.

He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver. I became the laughingstock of all my people; they mock me in song all day long. He has filled me with bitter herb and sated me with gall.

He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled me in the dust. I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord."

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."


(Lamentations 3:1-26)



I love the powerful images that these verses create in my mind. When we sin, there are consequences to that sin that the Lord allows. But the goodness of the Lord will always prevail and his faithfulness to those who trust in him will endure. God's goodness and gracious sovereignty is the core of his character. He will eventually act in his own timing. But while we wait for him to act, let us faithfully serve him, and desire to know him and do his will.

good news.

A few weeks ago I wrote about reading through the Bible in a year. I'll confess, I'm a few days behind, but I'm still plugging along. I'll catch up eventually, though.

As I began to read the books of The Law, my initial thought was "I know why many people just skip ahead to something a little more interesting." But, I kept reading. As I read through parts of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and now Deuteronomy, I quickly observed how detailed the instructions and guidelines were that God gave to Israel concerning their holiness. Maybe I've never really paid attention before, but these were very specific instructions that Israel was given for nearly everything. There are five major types of offerings, each with their own specific purpose and types of animals to be sacrificed. There are laws about leprosy, clean and unclean animals, various feasts, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the Law God gave to Israel was all-encompassing. It penetrated every portion of their lives. For every sin, there is a sacrifice to make atonement for that sin.

As I read, one thought continually echoed through my mind: Jesus said, "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished." (Matthew 5:17-18)

Even more profound for me, though, was this thought. When God gave Israel a commandment, the "reasoning" behind each one was always a variation of this: "You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy" or "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt" or sometimes quite simply "I am the Lord." What a profound thought. That the reason the Lord commanded Israel to holiness was because God himself is holy.

Oh, how thankful I am for the sacrifice of Christ! Like I said before, in the Law, for every sin committed, there is a sacrifice in order to make atonement for that sin. But no one can be righteous before God by keeping the law. Instead, our righteousness comes through faith in Jesus Christ.

"But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it- the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith...The what becomes of out boasting? It is excluded. By what kind of law? By a law of works? No, but by the law of faith. For we hold that one is justified by faith apart from works of the law." (Romans 3:21-28)

I realize this post could go on forever, but my main point is this: If it were left up to us to fulfill the law, we would never be considered righteous. Rather, "through the law comes knowledge of sin." (Romans 3:20) We see the standard for holiness, but realize that we can never achieve that on our own. The gospel and foundation of our faith is this: Through his grace, God has provided a means for righteousness: through faith in Jesus Christ. What good news!