growing up.

Life has a way of sneaking up on you. I don't really mind the part where I get more responsibility, I don't really mind paying the bills, I don't really mind having a busier, sometimes "boring" life. I think the part that is hard for me is watching everyone else around me get older too.

This last weekend I was able to have dinner and spend time with a number of family members. Among those that got together, I saw my grandparents and great aunts and uncles. As much as we have all have our faults, I love them all dearly. Over the past few months, my grandpa has been sick on and off, in the hospital, getting weak, getting better, etc. The same thing has been happening to my great aunt. My grandma isn't in the best of health either. And I can't help but feel that our time together is growing shorter and shorter. And I hate it.

I realize that's just part of life, but for me, that's the worst part about growing older.

two excuses and one reason.

Yet again, it seems as though I've taken an unplanned hiatus from blogging. I always intend to get on and write, but we all can see how well that's worked out. I'm setting a goal to post at least one weekly update. Maybe I can stick to that. Time will tell, right?

I can identify at least two distinct factors that have contributed to this latest break. The first of which is that I have been a lot busier subbing. So far in May, I've subbed at least a half day on 9 out of 11 school days. What a huge difference from my last report! On top of that, my other currently-part-time-that-will-be-full-time-this-summer job doing data entry for the company my mom works for has been keeping me a bit busier, as well. No complaints here as far as the paycheck goes. And as much as I need the money, a small part of me resents the fact that I am so busy. If I'm being honest, I think it's because 1) I've become a bit lazy in the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to in the past few months and 2) I look ahead into the future and see very few "lazy" days left. I'm going to be working a full-time, 9-5 job this summer, and then I intend to go back to school in the fall, as well as continue to substitute teach. So, when I think of all that, I guess I'm just basking in my last few lazy days until around the house doing "not a whole lot" (my standard answer when I asked "What did you do today?").

The other factor in my lack of blogging is that the internet at my house was barely/not working. At times it would take about 10 minutes to maybe load a page. Forget about watching any of the tv shows I typically watch during my days of nothing. Not that I have had many of those recently, but you get the point. Anyway, slow and inconsistent internet is nothing short of irritating. I'm thankful for my iphone, where I could at least check my email, Facebook, etc. It's much too much effort to type too much on there, though, hence the lack of blogging.

Ok, those are my excuses. Now, the real reason is that I just don't always know what to say. I typically thing of my days as inconsequential, with nothing much to report. I haven't even had very many good stories from subbing. (I do have a few that need to be shared...so look for that post soon!) I mean, what's the point of subbing if you aren't going to get any good stories? So, as soon as I figure out what to say, I'll let you know.

decision time.

When I moved home last December after finishing student teaching, I had the distinct feeling that whatever move I made would determine my future, at least in part. When I last wrote, I was wrestling with the decision of what comes next. And I have an even greater sense that what I decide now will, indeed, determine the path I take.

When I think of it that way, it scares me to death that I might be making the wrong choice. But I have, for now, decided to return to school to get my Master's in Teaching. The decision seems to make the most logical sense. But, as I think we all know, the most obvious decision is not always the right one. So my prayer has been for God to open all the doors if it's the right move, or to close them and make it apparent to me that I need to pursue something different.

And, so far, all of the doors have been standing wide open. As it turns out, I was able to fill out an application for readmission to Biola, which was processed quickly, I've paid my enrollment deposit, and have preregistered for classes. I'm planning to take three courses this fall, but I have a spot in five different classes right now because I'm not sure which to take first. I have a phone appointment next Monday afternoon with someone from the School of Education, so I hope to have a better idea of what my program will look like after that meeting.

Since I've made this decision, I've been wrestling with the thought of returning to school. If you had asked me a month ago what I would be doing come fall, the words "going back to school" would have never come out of my mouth. I was so tired of school at the end of December, that the thought of continuing on at that time was absolutely out of the question. The idea of doing homework and having mounds of reading to do and papers to write still overwhelms me a bit. But, I've done it before, and I know I can do it again. I feel that God gave me this semester as a period of rest. Working part-time, making enough to pay (some of) the bills, but having some time off too, to relax and do a bit of nothing for a change. I also think its been a valuable time of making connections in the districts I am working in now.

All of that said, I'm thankful to have the opportunity of going back to school that many people never do. I have the luxury of living at home, having few expenses (although more are to come when I start making real money), and returning to school with the encouragement of my parents. I may as well make the most of this opportunity!

dynamic.

My life is static.

I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. Nothing really changes.

The problem is not so much that I have nothing to do. I keep myself busy enough, some days more than others. However, I feel like I could or should be doing so much more with my life.

So there lies the real problem. I think my life is static because I don't know which direction to begin moving.

Realistically, I won't be finding a full-time position, at least not in teaching, come fall. I'm sure I could get a job doing something else, but I feel like that is giving up on teaching without ever really getting a chance to begin.

So, do I go back to school? Get my M.A.? Do something else entirely? Is it a waste of time to get a Masters in Teaching if I can't find a teaching job? There are a number of options to consider...or rather, three:

The first is go back to/continue at Biola. A Masters is 30 units, and I have already completed 12 of those in my student teaching. I can complete 9 units on campus, and then an additional 9 units online. So, it would really only require me to be back down there for a semester full-time. But, do I want to move back down? I could commute one day a week, but that would draw the 2 semester completion time out to more like 4.

The second option is to complete another program that is online. The one I think I would consider most is the MAT program at USC. I've looked at it a little bit, but I don't know much about it. The upside of this is that I could stay home and complete it. The downside is the fact that the 12 units of student teaching I've completed will count for nothing (at least to my current understanding).

The third option is to complete a local program, such as Cal State (definitely not my first choice), or an extension program through a school like Fresno Pacific or Point Loma. I'm actually not positive of all of the local programs, but I'm still pretty sure that those 12 units would not transfer.

Those, of course, are just the options to pursue my Masters. If I do continue teaching, I'll eventually get my Masters. So why not now? I have also considered going to school for an alternate career path. What would that be? I have no idea. Business/Accounting? Single-subject credential? Something else?

That's what is going on in my head. The more time that passes, the more I feel the need to do something. I do know that whatever I choose, I need my life to be dynamic. Moving forward. Accomplishing something.

Prayers would be appreciated.

taking a break.

I've been thinking about writing for the last two weeks. But thinking is as far as I have gotten. The last week of March/beginning of April was Spring Break for the elementary schools here, which naturally means I got the week off from subbing. I had few plans, most of which consisted of working for my mom, catching up on some TV shows, and reading. Pretty exciting, huh? Yeah...hence the reason I haven't written.

Last week turned into an unexpected extension of Spring Break. I didn't receive any calls to sub all week. I assume since the teachers had a week off, they figured they could work a week. Since I didn't know I would have the week off again, I had no plans, which led to me doing basically nothing all week again.

On the upside, I finally started to clean up my pit of a room. It was fairly clean at one point since I've been home, but quickly accumulated more junk. I've still got a long way to go to get the room clean, but that's nothing compared to the closet I need to clean out. Four and a half years of moving between home and school led me to stash unnecessary things in my closet, thinking I would get to it later. Well, now is later, and now it's a bit overwhelming. I'm trying to clean a little everyday...we'll see how it goes. Even if I only put a few things away, it's progress, right?

Well, the tradition continues on today, with still no calls to sub. I'm just continuing to trust that I'll work again, hopefully one day soon. Sorry for the boring post...it definitely sums up my past two weeks...

provision.

Let me take a break from recapping my days of substitute teaching to talk a little about how I actually feel about subbing. To sum it up, I have completely mixed emotions and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Ok...let me explain.

In theory it sounds perfect...or close to it, anyway. You don't have to work all day, or all week for that matter, you don't have to plan anything, you usually get to do fun things with the kids, etc. So what's the problem? Well, one of the things I enjoy most in life is organizing and planning. You would never know it by the state of my room right now, but I really like things organized. I like to be able to plan ahead. I like going to bed knowing what time I'll wake up the next morning, or what the next day holds. In the world of substitute teaching, you are pretty much at the beck and call (literally) of the schools. You never know when work is coming, so planning ahead is nonexistent.

I always have my cell phone with me when I do places, but around the house, if I leave it upstairs all evening, so be it. Not so anymore. I literally have to chain my cell phone to my hand. The problem with most of the districts I've signed up with is that they use an automated system. So, if you miss the call, you also miss your opportunity for a job. I now affectionately refer to my phone as my "ball and chain." I don't go anywhere without it now. And I don't really like that feeling. One good thing about the automated systems is that they have specific calling times. For future jobs, it's 6-10 pm. For jobs that day, they begin calling at 5am. That is one hour I am not willing to wake up. I just pray that I never get a call before 6. Tuesday they cut it close by calling at 6:01 am. There is one district I work for, though, that does not have an automated system and can, therefore, call at any time. They just like to keep me on my toes, I guess.

It's not all bad, though, because most days I actually enjoy the work. And it usually isn't that hard, which is always nice. And maybe the best (but still difficult) lesson I have learned, or really am learning now, is how to trust in the Lord's provision. I know that He will provide all that I need, when I need it. I guess I just need to remember that.

sunflowers.

Do you like the blog design? I took the picture myself a couple of years ago, and it's still one of my favorites.