letting go.

Last weekend I wrote an update of sorts on what my plans are.  I was questioning whether or not I really wanted to keep teaching.  I was wrestling with the feeling of quitting if I moved on to something else.  And then I woke up Tuesday morning to a missed call and a voicemail from a district I had applied to a couple of weeks prior.  They wanted to interview me for a position they had open. 

In that moment, I was more confused than ever before.  I was just making peace with the idea of moving on and then this came along.

I called back and scheduled the interview for 12:15 on Thursday afternoon.  As much as I tried to not think about it, uncertainty reigned for the next couple of days.  I was having debates in my head about teaching, feeling myself swaying from one direction to the other. 

As much as I should have been, I just wasn't excited about it.  I couldn't muster the enthusiasm.  What if I went through the whole process again, even a second interview, and still got a no?  What if I let myself dream about the job and all of the possibilities and then it all got shattered again? 

No, I refused to let myself dream about it.  I just couldn't risk getting my hopes crushed again.  It felt better to go in with no hope at all.

Now, please let me stop here and say I was thankful for the opportunity.  After all, you really can't complain about not having a job when you don't apply for them.  You have to take risks sometimes and not worry about all of the "what ifs." 

And that's just what I did.  I went to the interview on Thursday and tried to put my best foot forward.  Even though I was nervous, I tried to not let my uncertainty about the job show through.

I was told I would hear something Friday afternoon.  About 5:00 Friday, I got the phone call with another "no." 

It stung at first, as any rejection does.  The slight hope I had had about the job was dashed in a moment.  I had to let go of the idea of teaching, even if for just this year. 

Maybe it's just not meant to be.  Maybe I am meant to do something else.

Right now, there is a (very) small part of me that still wants to teach.  After all, it's the thing I've been working toward for the last 7 years of my life.  I've spent a small fortune getting an education to be able to do just this.  And now, after all of that work, I'm just not sure.  I'm not sure if that's where my life is heading.  And, as hard as it is at times, I also have peace about letting it all go.

This is one of those situations where I'm just going to have wait it out and see what comes next. 

For now I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing (working with my mom and possibly subbing). 

Until then, stay tuned.

now what.

My answer never came, which I guess is an answer in itself.  I went to sub training and signed all of the appropriate paperwork.  School has started, as I'm constantly reminded.  I filled out a few more applications and again heard nothing.  And after all of this, I just feel more confused than ever.  You see, as times goes on I feel my heart changing.  Like, if I never teach again, I think I'm alright with that.  Maybe part of me knew before I started down this road, but I felt like I was giving up something I had worked years for.  I still feel that way now.  But maybe all of this waiting is God trying to tell me something.  Something like I'm supposed to be doing something else.  And then again, maybe not.  Maybe I'm just waiting.  I don't really know what to think anymore.  I've decided to take a little bit at a time.  For now, I'm going to be subbing and continuing in another job that I have.  We'll see where it goes.  I'm just tired of waiting.  Tired of being confused.  Tired of not knowing what on earth I'm supposed to be doing. 

small blessings.

If you have been reading this blog for any period of time, you may have learned about me that I sponsor numerous children through Compassion International.  It's not something I talk about a lot in person because I'm really not one to flaunt my giving, which is what that feels like to me.  It's something that I love to do and really enjoy getting to know the kids I sponsor through their letters that come.  I also get to write to them and occasionally send them small items in the mail.   I am passionate about seeing children get sponsored, though, and doing as much as I can.

Why Compassion?  One thing that I think Compassion does very right is that they focus on the individual child and family.  The Compassion centers that open are run by local churches already in the community.  Compassion has guidelines that must be followed and children are enrolled based on need.  Once a child is enrolled in the program, they immediately begin receiving the benefits of that Compassion center, whether or not they have a sponsor.  Each center differs to some extent, but the children receive food and clean water, medical care, education, life skills training, classes for parents, and, most importantly, learn about Jesus. 

Because Compassion is focused on bettering the lives of individuals, the relationship between the child and sponsor is key.  Writing to them and encouraging them lets these children know that they are valuable and loved.  I have heard many stories about people's sponsored children who have gone on to do great things: becoming doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc., all because they were given an opportunity to rise above the cycle of poverty.  Their life and their families' lives have all been changed because of the opportunities that Compassion provides them.  I think that that is an awesome thing to be a part of!

Recently I sponsored three more sweet girls from various parts of the world.  It was something I did out of faith and I definitely don't regret it.  I trust that the money will be available each month to sponsor these and the rest of my kids.  Let me introduce you to them:

This is Cherry, who is 5 years old, and lives in the Philippines.  She lives with both her mother and father, as well as 3 siblings.  The average income in her community is the equivalent of $60 per month.  For fun she likes to play with dolls, group games, house, singing, and listening to music. 

This is Judith, who is 11 years old, and lives in Burkina Faso.  Burkina Faso is one of the poorest nations in the world and they are facing a famine/food shortage there.  She lives with her mother and father with 4 children in the household.  The average income in her community is the equivalent of $40 each month.  For fun, she enjoys bicycling and hide-and seek.  I just love the grin on her face...it almost looks like she is holding in laughter.

Finally, this is Deborah, or Obuom, who is 6 and lives in Ghana.  She lives with her grandmother with 6 children in the household.  The average monthly income in her community is the equivalent of $15.  For fun, she enjoys playing with dolls and group games. 

If you are still reading this, which I hope you are, I ask that you do one of three things right now:

1. Pray for the children living in extreme poverty throughout the world that are waiting for their sponsors.

2. Pray about contributing to these children using the "Chip In" button on my blog or through this link.  (The money is given through PayPal and will be used directly for these children.)

3. Pray about sponsoring your own child through Compassion.  The cost is $38 each month.  You can browse through the children waiting right now.  You just might find one that tugs at your heart like these three did to me.

 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40)

another week.

Another week has gone by and I still haven't heard any news.  Usually no news is good news.  However, I don't think so in this case.  I've resigned myself to not getting the job...like, I will be literally shocked if, by some miracle, I get a call saying I got the job.  Seriously, shocked.

So, here I am again.  Facing CONSTANT reminders that school is starting in one week, whether it be on Facebook, walking into Target, or a host of other sources.  I'm reminded that I didn't manage to find a job.  I'm somewhere between frustrated and discouraged, or a weird combination of the two.  Hmm, this whole thing rings a bell.  Oh, wait, I know...it's the exact same thing that happened to me last year.

I know the job market is tough, but I can't help but take it personally when I interview for multiple positions and none of them work out.  Since I'm not ever given the luxury of a reason why I wasn't chosen, it just feels like constant rejection. 

I've tried to maintain a positive attitutde, but I think it's wavering.  Next week I'm headed to training to do substitute teaching again.  Talk about a step backwards. 

If you think about it, please pray for me and my constant battle with finding a job.  I know that there's purpose in everything...I'm just trying to figure out what on earth that might be right about now...

waiting for news.

I've thought about posting but I feel like I have nothing new or exciting to say.  I'm looking for a job...I've applied, been rejected, and applied again.  I'm currently waiting to hear back from a job, but the wait has now stretched two weeks (which is a few days past the day they said I would know).  I convince myself every morning that there will be a rejection letter waiting in the mail, but when I check it, there's none.  I think I'm developing multiple personalities based on the inner conversation that happens in my mind.  Alright, so it's not quite that bad (yet), but the waiting is wearing on me.  It has begun to affect my sleep, I think, as I'm thinking on it as I try to fall asleep at night.  At this point, I would really like to hear even a no just to put me out of my misery. 

I realize that pretty much everyone has gone through this period of agony while waiting to hear back about a job.  I realize that sometimes it takes them longer to make a decision.  (But seriously, school starts in 2 weeks, so you think they would like to give whoever they hire as long as possible...)  I realize that it's totally out of my control and in the hands of a God who is trustworthy.  It's a constant battle to not just say "I trust You" but to actually mean it, too. 

And, unless something shows up in the mail tomorrow, I'm guessing I have to wait until at least Monday to know something.

Sigh.

june part four

Here are the rest of my June photos:

June 22: From a high angle.  Brady likes to chew his toys from a high angle.

June 23: Movement.  Laying in my bed looking at the fan...an essential component to making it through summer.

June 24: On your mind.  Getting ready for VBS this week.  (So I might have procrastinted a bit)

June 25: Something cute.  I think Brady is pretty darn cute.

June 26: Where you shop.  Self-explanatory.

June 27: Bathroom.

June 28: On the shelf.  Or on the top of my bookcase.

June 29: Soft.  Riley has the softest fur, especially after he got a haircut last week.


And, I failed to take a picture for June 30.  Way to end the month, I know...

june part three.

Here is part three of my June photos...I know you've been on pins and needles waiting for it...
I might even get back to writing on here someday.  For now, enjoy this:

June 15: Yellow.  The yellow beads of the necklace I wore.

June 16: Out and about.  Ok, I cheated.  I took this on my birthday weekend, but I was out and about in SF then...counts, right?  (Don't care if it doesn't...)

June 17: In your bag.  I don't think an explantation is truly needed...

June 18: Something we don't know about you.  You may not know about my growing collection (borderline obsession?) with nailpolish.  I'm trying to get better about actually using it, too...

June 19: Fave photo you've ever taken.  I don't know about "ever," but this one is definitely a favorite!

June 20: Imperfect.  It's as though the shopping cart knew I needed something imperfect to take a photo of, so it decided to eat my toenail off.

June 21: Where you slept.  My bed.