stealing joy.

{Source}

You've probably seen/heard this quote a lot.  It's become somewhat of a cliche.  But have you ever really thought about it? 

One day last week it occurred to me that I was falling into the trap of comparing my life to that of other people.  Let me tell you it's a trap.  We fall into it so easily you might not even notice.  If only I had (fill in the blank), then I'd be happy.  If only I had (fill in the blank), then I'd be satisfied...then I would be content. 

Whether you do so consciously or not, you are probably looking at the lives of others and expecting the same for you. I know I do it.  I see friends accomplishing all kinds of things and then I look at my own life.  It just doesn't seem to compare sometimes. 

But I think the thing that sneaks up on me even more silently is when I compare my life to what I think my life should be like, the way I had imagined my life going.  I wasn't ever one to dwell on the future, as in I'm going to be married by this age, have kids by this age, etc.  But I'd be lying if I said that I had never thought about it.  And in that life I had planned I would have found a job right out of college, my dream teaching job.  I would probably be married.  I would own a house and a couple of dogs. 

I had these certain ideas about what life was "supposed" to look like at this point. 

One swift look at my life will see that none of those things are true.  (Well, I guess technically the dogs, but let's please not consider that my highest accomplishment...)

And I'm so tempted to look at that picture of my life and to compare it to reality.  I'm not really sure why none of those things has happened so far.  That's not really what this is about.  My point is that we are literally stealing the joy out of our lives when we compare them.  Whether it's to someone else's life or the life we had dreamed for ourselves, comparing is one sure way to dwell on what "isn't".  It isn't right, it isn't good, it isn't fair. 

Wouldn't life be boring if we got everything we wanted right when we wanted it?  There would be nothing to be excited about, nothing to hope for.  I know I'd be a far different person if it hadn't been for some of the bumps in the road.  That's when we grow.  That's how we mature. 

I'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds.  But I'm also not going to dwell on what "isn't" and to focus on the many, many blessings that I have been given instead.

I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

 

I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart

instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he

is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad

and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because

you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

 

Psalm 16:2, 7-11



hope for the future.

Eight.  The number of months, to the day, since my world changed drastically.  My reality was shaken by the news I was given that Leap Day.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read this post I wrote back in March.  In a lot of ways, that was a defining day in my life.  It felt like everything I had worked for was falling apart in an instant.  I was confused.  I didn't know what had gone wrong exactly, only that it had.

On that day, February 29, 2012, in the midst of all of my confusion and emotions, this was part of the prayer that I wrote down:

"Give me Your grace daily as I walk through this, learning all the more what it means to rely on and trust in You.  Fill me with peace in the midst of confusion...You are still on your throne and still in control.  Help me to trust You in every circumstance...Fill me with hope for the future.  Lead me to open doors, give the courage and wisdom to pursue what you have for me."
 

There were a lot of hard days after that.  There were constant reminders around me, all the while trying to act like nothing had happened.  I had to keep going.  I had to keep moving.  I had to be strong.  I battled feelings of wanting to quit.  I battled having a good attitude about the situation at times.  I also knew that the way I reacted to this situation would be telling of my character and who I am. 

But I stuck it out.

As the last day of school loomed, I knew the kids would notice that my room was slowly emptying.  I had to find a way to tell them that I wasn't coming back that wouldn't cast doubts in them in my ability to teach them well.  I did and they were surprised.  But they were troopers all the way until the end.

I was, too.

And then it was summer and I had no direction.  It was another game of hurry up and wait.  Hurry and apply for this job and wait to hear about an interview, which caused another wait, only to hear what became an inevitable "no." 

I was discouraged and confused.  It didn't seem like God was leading me anywhere.  I was frustrated that everything I tried failed.  I couldn't figure out what God wanted me to do.

Another waiting game.

But somewhere along the way, around the beginning of September, my heart began to change.  I can't explain the change other than something that God did in my heart because it seems so inexplicable.  All of a sudden I felt like I wasn't supposed to be teaching.  I had no desire to pursue it anymore.  It had nothing to do with the failed attempts and countless applications.  Those only led me to where I am now.

I can't say what exactly I'm doing next, because nothing is official yet.  But God answered the prayer I prayed on Leap Day.  He has given me hope for the future.  He has given me the wisdom and courage to pursue what's next.  He has filled me with peace in the midst of so much confusion and frustration. 

And there really isn't anything else I would rather be doing. 

letting go.

Last weekend I wrote an update of sorts on what my plans are.  I was questioning whether or not I really wanted to keep teaching.  I was wrestling with the feeling of quitting if I moved on to something else.  And then I woke up Tuesday morning to a missed call and a voicemail from a district I had applied to a couple of weeks prior.  They wanted to interview me for a position they had open. 

In that moment, I was more confused than ever before.  I was just making peace with the idea of moving on and then this came along.

I called back and scheduled the interview for 12:15 on Thursday afternoon.  As much as I tried to not think about it, uncertainty reigned for the next couple of days.  I was having debates in my head about teaching, feeling myself swaying from one direction to the other. 

As much as I should have been, I just wasn't excited about it.  I couldn't muster the enthusiasm.  What if I went through the whole process again, even a second interview, and still got a no?  What if I let myself dream about the job and all of the possibilities and then it all got shattered again? 

No, I refused to let myself dream about it.  I just couldn't risk getting my hopes crushed again.  It felt better to go in with no hope at all.

Now, please let me stop here and say I was thankful for the opportunity.  After all, you really can't complain about not having a job when you don't apply for them.  You have to take risks sometimes and not worry about all of the "what ifs." 

And that's just what I did.  I went to the interview on Thursday and tried to put my best foot forward.  Even though I was nervous, I tried to not let my uncertainty about the job show through.

I was told I would hear something Friday afternoon.  About 5:00 Friday, I got the phone call with another "no." 

It stung at first, as any rejection does.  The slight hope I had had about the job was dashed in a moment.  I had to let go of the idea of teaching, even if for just this year. 

Maybe it's just not meant to be.  Maybe I am meant to do something else.

Right now, there is a (very) small part of me that still wants to teach.  After all, it's the thing I've been working toward for the last 7 years of my life.  I've spent a small fortune getting an education to be able to do just this.  And now, after all of that work, I'm just not sure.  I'm not sure if that's where my life is heading.  And, as hard as it is at times, I also have peace about letting it all go.

This is one of those situations where I'm just going to have wait it out and see what comes next. 

For now I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing (working with my mom and possibly subbing). 

Until then, stay tuned.

now what.

My answer never came, which I guess is an answer in itself.  I went to sub training and signed all of the appropriate paperwork.  School has started, as I'm constantly reminded.  I filled out a few more applications and again heard nothing.  And after all of this, I just feel more confused than ever.  You see, as times goes on I feel my heart changing.  Like, if I never teach again, I think I'm alright with that.  Maybe part of me knew before I started down this road, but I felt like I was giving up something I had worked years for.  I still feel that way now.  But maybe all of this waiting is God trying to tell me something.  Something like I'm supposed to be doing something else.  And then again, maybe not.  Maybe I'm just waiting.  I don't really know what to think anymore.  I've decided to take a little bit at a time.  For now, I'm going to be subbing and continuing in another job that I have.  We'll see where it goes.  I'm just tired of waiting.  Tired of being confused.  Tired of not knowing what on earth I'm supposed to be doing. 

small blessings.

If you have been reading this blog for any period of time, you may have learned about me that I sponsor numerous children through Compassion International.  It's not something I talk about a lot in person because I'm really not one to flaunt my giving, which is what that feels like to me.  It's something that I love to do and really enjoy getting to know the kids I sponsor through their letters that come.  I also get to write to them and occasionally send them small items in the mail.   I am passionate about seeing children get sponsored, though, and doing as much as I can.

Why Compassion?  One thing that I think Compassion does very right is that they focus on the individual child and family.  The Compassion centers that open are run by local churches already in the community.  Compassion has guidelines that must be followed and children are enrolled based on need.  Once a child is enrolled in the program, they immediately begin receiving the benefits of that Compassion center, whether or not they have a sponsor.  Each center differs to some extent, but the children receive food and clean water, medical care, education, life skills training, classes for parents, and, most importantly, learn about Jesus. 

Because Compassion is focused on bettering the lives of individuals, the relationship between the child and sponsor is key.  Writing to them and encouraging them lets these children know that they are valuable and loved.  I have heard many stories about people's sponsored children who have gone on to do great things: becoming doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc., all because they were given an opportunity to rise above the cycle of poverty.  Their life and their families' lives have all been changed because of the opportunities that Compassion provides them.  I think that that is an awesome thing to be a part of!

Recently I sponsored three more sweet girls from various parts of the world.  It was something I did out of faith and I definitely don't regret it.  I trust that the money will be available each month to sponsor these and the rest of my kids.  Let me introduce you to them:

This is Cherry, who is 5 years old, and lives in the Philippines.  She lives with both her mother and father, as well as 3 siblings.  The average income in her community is the equivalent of $60 per month.  For fun she likes to play with dolls, group games, house, singing, and listening to music. 

This is Judith, who is 11 years old, and lives in Burkina Faso.  Burkina Faso is one of the poorest nations in the world and they are facing a famine/food shortage there.  She lives with her mother and father with 4 children in the household.  The average income in her community is the equivalent of $40 each month.  For fun, she enjoys bicycling and hide-and seek.  I just love the grin on her face...it almost looks like she is holding in laughter.

Finally, this is Deborah, or Obuom, who is 6 and lives in Ghana.  She lives with her grandmother with 6 children in the household.  The average monthly income in her community is the equivalent of $15.  For fun, she enjoys playing with dolls and group games. 

If you are still reading this, which I hope you are, I ask that you do one of three things right now:

1. Pray for the children living in extreme poverty throughout the world that are waiting for their sponsors.

2. Pray about contributing to these children using the "Chip In" button on my blog or through this link.  (The money is given through PayPal and will be used directly for these children.)

3. Pray about sponsoring your own child through Compassion.  The cost is $38 each month.  You can browse through the children waiting right now.  You just might find one that tugs at your heart like these three did to me.

 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40)

another week.

Another week has gone by and I still haven't heard any news.  Usually no news is good news.  However, I don't think so in this case.  I've resigned myself to not getting the job...like, I will be literally shocked if, by some miracle, I get a call saying I got the job.  Seriously, shocked.

So, here I am again.  Facing CONSTANT reminders that school is starting in one week, whether it be on Facebook, walking into Target, or a host of other sources.  I'm reminded that I didn't manage to find a job.  I'm somewhere between frustrated and discouraged, or a weird combination of the two.  Hmm, this whole thing rings a bell.  Oh, wait, I know...it's the exact same thing that happened to me last year.

I know the job market is tough, but I can't help but take it personally when I interview for multiple positions and none of them work out.  Since I'm not ever given the luxury of a reason why I wasn't chosen, it just feels like constant rejection. 

I've tried to maintain a positive attitutde, but I think it's wavering.  Next week I'm headed to training to do substitute teaching again.  Talk about a step backwards. 

If you think about it, please pray for me and my constant battle with finding a job.  I know that there's purpose in everything...I'm just trying to figure out what on earth that might be right about now...

waiting for news.

I've thought about posting but I feel like I have nothing new or exciting to say.  I'm looking for a job...I've applied, been rejected, and applied again.  I'm currently waiting to hear back from a job, but the wait has now stretched two weeks (which is a few days past the day they said I would know).  I convince myself every morning that there will be a rejection letter waiting in the mail, but when I check it, there's none.  I think I'm developing multiple personalities based on the inner conversation that happens in my mind.  Alright, so it's not quite that bad (yet), but the waiting is wearing on me.  It has begun to affect my sleep, I think, as I'm thinking on it as I try to fall asleep at night.  At this point, I would really like to hear even a no just to put me out of my misery. 

I realize that pretty much everyone has gone through this period of agony while waiting to hear back about a job.  I realize that sometimes it takes them longer to make a decision.  (But seriously, school starts in 2 weeks, so you think they would like to give whoever they hire as long as possible...)  I realize that it's totally out of my control and in the hands of a God who is trustworthy.  It's a constant battle to not just say "I trust You" but to actually mean it, too. 

And, unless something shows up in the mail tomorrow, I'm guessing I have to wait until at least Monday to know something.

Sigh.