oh, for grace to trust him more.

I realized yesterday that my mind has been preoccupied. Not worried exactly, but preoccupied as I wait. Two weeks ago I went to the doctor because I found a sizable lump on my neck. I've started the process of figuring out what is going on, had some tests and results, and all I have confirmed so far is that it is my thyroid and I need to go to an endocrinologist for more conclusive results. 

In a season full of waiting, I heard these words yesterday morning, on Easter as we celebrated the resurrection of Jesus, and they were the truth that my soul needed most. I was reading along in NIV as my pastor read the ESV translation. Isaiah 25:9 (NIV) says this:

"In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.""

‭‭

And oh, how I've learned to trust the Lord during this time. But the truth that struck me so sharply as I listened was this: the words "we trusted in him, and he saved us" were translated in the ESV to say "we have waited for him, that he might save us." 

Trusting is nothing if waiting is not involved. I can easily say that I trust when results come quickly. But when results come slowly or maybe not at all, when a wait is involved, that is where my faith takes shape. My waiting is not in vain. Instead, it is the perfect opportunity for steadfast, immovable trust to be formed in a God who is trustworthy and completely in control. 

leap day.

I told myself I would write at least once a month this year. Well, thank goodness for Leap Year and my bonus day in February!

Do you ever get that feeling of anticipation, like an anxious excitement for something coming? I get it every once in a while, but I usually have no idea what it is I am anticipating. I feels hopeful, yet unknown. That's how I have been feeling the last few weeks. I felt the same thing a few months ago, and again a few months before that.

I have learned to listen to the rhythms of my soul and have come to realize that these feelings often are the Lord stirring in my heart. The problem remains still that I'm not sure where that stirring is leading me. I don't see any big changes coming as far as work, or school, or anything else like that.

As I wait for some direction and discernment, I remember this verse:
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:8‬ ‭(NIV‬‬)

So for all the days I wonder what is being stirred within me, I am confident that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. There is no reason for worry, or fear, or doubt, or discouragement. And then, at just the right time, He will show me which way I should go. I fully believe it.

Last week, as I started to feel these same anxious feelings, I prayed for peace no matter what the circumstances turn out to be. And, while I sit and wait and anticipate what is to come, the Lord has answered my prayer by providing a peace that can only be explained by Him.

And today, this first anniversary (even though it was four years ago, thank you Leap Year) of the day I lost my teaching job, I need that peace all the more. I didn't know then that the loss of that job would be the loss of so much more. I didn't know that it would be the permanent closing of the door to teaching (unless the Lord reopens it one day). I didn't know that confusion and doubts would reign in those coming days.

Since that day, I have had countless people tell me that I should be a teacher. Whether they heard just a snippet of my story, or they saw me in action in some capacity, something about it caused them to tell me to pursue it again.

But what they don't know is that the Lord used that removal of teaching, that thing that I had strived to attain for so many years, to make me into who I am today. Somewhere along the way, my identity became wrapped in teaching and no longer in Christ. So when I lost that job, it took my identity along with it.  It was so much more about who I no longer was than it was about losing my job.  And, until the day I very clearly hear the Lord ask me to pursue teaching again, I will continue where I am now

I may never understand all the reasons why it had to happen the way it did, but it taught me more about myself and the Lord than I would have learned any other way. I have to believe that this is reason enough. And it is good. He is good.

and so is any discipline worth having.

I wrote these words a month or so ago, but they seemed fitting to share in the midst of New Year resolutions. I hope that you find encouragement in whatever your circumstances may be:


It has taken me years to realize, most of my life actually, this one point: the disciplines of the physical body are profoundly spiritual. When I started a little over a year ago on the mission to get fit, it didn't occur to me. I did the things I was supposed to do: eat right (or at least, increasingly better than I had) and exercise. The weight started to come off while the muscle began to become stronger, more defined. A couple of months of progress, and then it seemed like nothing was happening at all. No matter how hard I tried in my own strength to make something happen, I couldn't do it. I couldn't will that scale to budge, or anything else for that matter.

As I walked through this journey throughout the last 16 months or so, I realized that the road to becoming fit parallels a journey of faith. It takes a million small moments, a million small decisions, to walk faithfully with the Lord. Having faith doesn't come out of nowhere, only showing up in the big moments or decisions we have to make; it's practiced in the quiet, everyday moments of our lives. And so, I have come to realize, is any discipline worth having. It is the sum of those everyday moments and decisions that ends up defining what we become.

There was a point awhile back when I said to myself: I wish I could just choose to wake up today and be thinner and fit and exactly where I want to end up. I wouldn't say no if it happened, but the reality it, the growth comes in the process. It's in those hard moments, the struggle, the place where hope seems futile, that God meets me. He sees my need, He knows me intimately, and He cares about me deeply. And, most of all, He will never abandon me. But He used those moments I wish would go away to strengthen the roots of my faith, to give me a deeper knowledge of Him that I otherwise would not have known.

So, in the struggle, in the midst, I have decided that it doesn't matter how long it takes. I don't need to wake up tomorrow and have met all of my goals. The journey is not merely physical, but deeply rooted in my spiritual growth. Oh, that He might change me through and through.


And so, on mornings like this January one, when all I want to do is continue sleeping when my early morning alarm goes off, I make myself get up and run.  I decided to set a goal for 2016: to run 1,000 miles. And, well, those miles aren't going to run themselves. 

in everything, give thanks.

It's November, which means our world is beginning to pick up speed as we head into the "holiday" season, the season that arguably gets longer every year. It's a season that I love, though, and I actually have to intentionally not let myself listen to Christmas music. Because, if I'm not careful, I'd skip right past Thanksgiving...that all important reminder that we have SO much to be thankful for...

But I don't want to live a life that only gives thanks one day of the year. Or even one month of the year.

This week I was challenged by the words of a study entitled "In Everything, Give Thanks" put out by #Shereadstruth, so I'm writing it here because I want, no I need, to remember the truth of these words, and because I could have written them myself:

"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done."

(Psalm 105:1, NLT)

"What is God’s will for my life?

Oh, the many anxious hours I have spent with this question on repeat, searching for a spiritual formula to solve life’s riddles. My college years especially were a mishmash of trusting the Lord with newfound abandon yet agonizing over every decision. What am I supposed to study? Am I supposed to go on this mission trip or that one?  The questions seemed to never end.

The weight of my young world balanced precariously on so many question marks. Sometimes it still does.

It isn’t that my college self's questions were not legitimate or important. They absolutely were. The questions were big and I felt small, and life seemed like the sum of a million puzzles, most missing a piece (or ten). Sometimes it still does. But as the years pass and draw me closer the Lord, a surprising truth has become apparent: God’s will is not a problem to be solved.

God’s Word tells me His faithfulness does not depend on my wisdom. (Lamentations 3:22-24)
God’s Word tells me His grace does not depend on my performance. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
God’s Word tells me that whatever shape my life takes, His steadfastness and goodness trump whatever is going on around me. (Psalm 136)

And if all that is true? It changes how I view every single circumstance in my life.

Our circumstances are big, but our God is bigger. As we learn to trust the bigness of our God and the sureness of His sovereignty, we find His will is not as much a path as it is a way of walking. Paul says as much in his letter to the church at Thessalonica, when He reduces all our agonizing life questions to a non-formula so simple it makes the perfectionists among us a little crazy:

Rejoice always.
Pray without ceasing.
Give thanks in all circumstances.
THIS is God’s will for us in Christ Jesus.
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

No hoops to jump through.
No tests to pass.
No situational tidiness required.
Only actively resting in the goodness of our God.

Why an active resting? Because rejoicing is not a passive pursuit. Thanksgiving is not just an emotion. We are to declare God’s goodness in every circumstance! We are to let the world know what He has done and what He is doing! We are to pray to Him, seek Him, give Him thanks with an expectant, joyful heart. This is God’s will for us in Jesus! Exclamation point!

Oh, friends, there are so many heartaches among us today. So many question marks, so much waiting, so many hard puzzles missing a piece. But He is good. In everything, He is good.

His love for you is steadfast, no matter the path you’re walking.
 His promises hold fast, even when your world is crumbling.
It is not up to you to be the god of your circumstances. It is for you to give thanks to the One who is larger than your circumstances."



We don't have to sit and worry and wonder what it is God's will is for our lives. Because his word tells us exactly what that is:

Rejoice always. In the good and the bad. In every circumstance and every situation. Because in the end good has already won and our hope in Jesus is sure.

Pray without ceasing. As in always. Pray for others fervently. Pray with confidence that the Lord hears and will answer, no matter what form that answer comes. Pray to be more like Jesus everyday, that the Holy Spirit would change and mold your heart to be a little more like Christ each day.

Give thanks in all circumstances. Oh, so much easier said than done. We praise God when the good things come, but the praises might flow more slowly from our lips when the bad things come instead. But out God, our faith in Him, is not dependent on emotion or circumstances. He is always good. Always. Even when we lose jobs and loved ones, and other securities that life seems to offer. Give thanks in every moment, in all things.

Because these three things, these are the will of God for your life. It's not that the questions we want answered, the circumstances we face, are suddenly less important. But when we put our present in the hands of God, rejoicing in Him, in prayer, and with a truly thankful heart. Well, that changes things. It shifts our perspective.

And that is exactly how I want to live my life.

in order to remember.

It occurs to me that I might be the worst blogger ever. That's ok, since not many people read this anyway. I started this blog 5 or so years ago so that I might remember. Remember what I've learned, where I've been, and to be able to look back and see the person that the Lord is shaping me to be.  I've long known that I express my thoughts best in written words, much preferring a paper to a speech any day of the week. The years this blog encompasses have been so good, but so hard. Growing up, learning a lot, facing life's realities, and on and on and on. And so, I write so that I might remember.

I have had an overwhelming urge to write over the past few months. About nothing in particular, really, yet so much has been happening. To do a bullet point summary does no justice to all I have done and learned and hope to do. However, here are a few highlights from the past however long it has been.

A year and a few months ago, I started a new job and a new career path. Work is good, but the thing that keeps me most busy in my "off" hours is going to school. When I finished my Masters, I said "no more." And yet, here I am working on a B.S. In Accounting. This semester I am taking 3 courses, not all at once, but they overlap (it's complicated to explain) and it's a lot. My days are bursting to full, I go to bed too late, and get up too early. But life is good. And I don't really know how to rest, but that's another story.

The journey to now has been hard and long, but in the process the Lord taught me some things about myself...
...That I've lived much of my life ruled by the expectations of others
...That I am not the person today that I would have thought I would be when I "dreamed up" my life.  Let's be real: I thought I'd be a wife and mom, or at least on the path to there, by this point in my life. I thought I'd live in my own house and ideally able to stay home and be "mom."  And the Lord has had to teach me that my own expectations have ruled me. I don't long for these things every day, as though they are the sole thing I think about. But the prayers are real and my heart is hopeful for the future someday.
...That I don't have to be perfect, to try to meet everyone else's approval, or really, to please what others think I should be doing with my life. And, I don't say it flippantly, as though the opinions of those close to me don't matter at all. It's just that they don't rule my thoughts anymore. And I'm not afraid to take a stand and make my own decisions.
...That it is good to try new things. It sounds obvious to some, but I'm not an adventurous spirit. I love to go and see, but be able to return home to the familiar. But I want to be ok with not just going and seeing, but doing as well. I don't want to live a stagnant life. 
...That it's ok to be a work in progress. It's good to pray for what I want, as long as I recognize that those desires mean nothing apart from God. That there is nothing worthwhile to spend my energy and resources on when I do not care about the things God has prepared for me. And so, I wait. But I do not stop living while I wait. Because it is in that wait where life happens and we are refined to be a little more like Christ. 

And that is worth it all. 

a will that is not my own.

Perhaps one of the most human moments that we see Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane.  It is there he goes to pray.  He knew what was coming.  Read back a few chapters and you’ll see Him predicting His death multiple times.  And then there was The Last Supper, where he tells his disciples that one will betray him.  He knew what was coming. 

 

In the Garden, Jesus tells his disciples to pray with Him – “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me” (Matthew 26:38).

 

And then Jesus walks off to be alone with the Father and we can hear the sorrow in His words as He asks to not have to suffer what was coming.  He asks “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me” – our glimpse of humanity, as we ask to be spared painful sufferings every day of our lives.  Yet Jesus continues “nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  A total surrender because He knew that the Father had it all under control.

 

A quick reading might suggest that Jesus was trying to avoid the physical suffering of the cross.  There may be some degree of truth to that, for it was the most cruel and painful way to die in those days.  But Jesus knew that the suffering would be so much greater – He was going to take on the full wrath of God as payment for our sins.  And that wrath would separate Him from His Father, a spiritual suffering so much greater than the physical.

 

Yet, He was willing – “not as I will, but as you will.”  May we be always be thankful for His willingness.

 

And oh, that that might be my attitude and prayer about all things.  I’m slowly learning – and then relearning - just what it means to surrender those things I like to hold onto so tightly, so deluded that a tight grasp will give me control.  Life doesn’t look as I thought it would some years back - still “not as I will, but as you will.”  

 

Moments after this scene, Judas arrives with soldiers and kisses Jesus, his way of identifying Him, betraying Him for silver coins that were equal to a month’s wages.  And Jesus goes off with the soldiers obediently.  He knew what was coming and He didn’t fight it. 

 

‘Christ’s response to Judas wasn’t assign of weakness.  It was love.  Love for Judas.  Love for the Father.

 

And in His love, He honored His Father, just as He had promised in Gethsemane.

 

And in His love – not just for Judas, and not only for the Father, but for us – He was led to His trial.  And He was sentenced to death.  And his blood covers my betrayals and yours.  It covers the times we’ve chosen a month’s wages over honoring the One we call Lord.  It covers the times we push Him aside to further ourselves.

 

Your betrayals and mine.  His blood covers it all.  And he calls us “friend.”’

 

(From SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 4)

 

May we look at those who have hurt us or betrayed us and respond as Jesus did.  May we be obedient to the One who endured the cross for us.

true love.

​

It's a hard story to read.  And if you don't know how it ends, it really does seem like darkness has overcome and evil wins this one.

 

I always think of the Phil Wickham song, "True Love," on Good Friday:

            Come, close, listen to the story

            About a love more faithful than the morning…

 

As soon as Jesus is taken away from the Garden, he is put on trial.  The only evidence against him is false accusations.  The Jewish crowd that shouted "Hosanna" just a few days earlier was now passionately shouting "Crucify him."  When given the choice, they freed a criminal and condemned Jesus.

 

It seems unjust.  And that's because it is.  He didn't do a single thing wrong, yet he was condemned.  And beaten, and whipped, and crowned with thorns, and forced to carry the cross that would summon Him into death. 

 

You see, here's the thing:  Jesus is God.  He is perfect and righteous.  He shouldn't even be associated with death, because death is the punishment for sin.

 

And even though darkness seems to win on this day, we remember it by calling it "Good."  Although it is a day of mourning, it is so supremely good. 

 

As you read the account in John 19:16-37, the references to fulfillments of prophecy are intertwined.  "John shows us God – working out His purposes in this poor, fallen world.  In a situation where God seems to be completely absent, He has been present for ages." (SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 6)

 

Isaiah 53:5-6, written many years before Jesus walked this earth, reminds us that God has it all planned:

            "But he was pierced for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

Upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed. 

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned – every one – to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

  

And when Christ breathes His last words on the cross just before His death, he says only, "It is finished."  It's not just the agony of his death, by which he bore the wrath of God against sin in the place of His people.  His life is literally over, but He has also completed the work of salvation.

 

It is finished.  Once for all time.  His blood, the wrath he bore, it is finished. 

 

He bore it all, completed the work, and we are offered salvation because of it.

 

Is there any better news, anything more "good" than this?

 

 

 

"The earth was shaking in the dark

All creation felt the Father's broken heart

Tears were filling heaven's eyes

The day that true love died

When blood and water hit the ground

Wall we couldn't move came crashing down

We were free and made alive

The day that true love died"

 

Phil Wickham, "True Love"

when all we feel is weary.

Some days I can’t help but feel the weight on humanity upon me.  It is on those days that the aches and pains are all too strong.  When all I can hear is the bad news.  When I hear of a friend losing their job much like I did two years ago.  When the needs I see are greater than my ability to meet them.  When I watch lives fall apart because of bad decisions.  When I hear of the hurts of this life and the suffering that is far too great.  When all we feel is weary.  Oh, isn’t that every day in this life we live?

On days like Tuesday, when I woke up with a back that was stiff and sore and led to a tension headache in the back of my head all day.  It hurt to move and breathe and think. Oh, I know it is only temporary and far less than some suffer constantly.  Yes, it wasn’t that bad and it was only one day.  But it was a strong reminder of my humanity and this Easter week.

Since Palm Sunday I have been reading and reflecting on the events that happened more than 2000 years ago, yet still are so important to remember today.  (If you haven’t already heard, SheReadsTruth is an awesome online ministry started by some pretty awesome women that love Jesus and they have a daily reading and devotional.  It is geared toward women, but I’m sure there are men that read along as well, because the truth is the truth.  So you should all go check it out.)  The events of Easter week were dark and full of betrayal and it felt like evil had triumphed.  But let us go back to the beginning before we skip to the middle.

The story of Palm Sunday has always been a curious one to me.  Jesus enters Jerusalem only to leave again.  It seemed unnecessary to my feeble mind.  But on that day, the crowds welcomed Jesus into Jerusalem shouting “Hosanna!”  From the New Testament time forward, it means praise and adoration, but back in the Old Testament it was a cry to help and save.  Oh, what a beautiful picture when you think about it.  The people were shouting out a cry for saving to the only One who truly could save them.  And He will do the same for us. 

And then Jesus does another curious thing – he goes into the city of Jerusalem and rides straight to the temple.  We’ve all heard the story of Jesus driving out the sellers, the ones who had made it into a “den of robbers” (Matthew 21:13).  But then He does something I had never really noticed or spent much time thinking on:

“And the blind and the lame came to him in the temple, and he healed them” (Matthew 21:14).

Did you notice it?  He drove out the ones that perverted the temple of God and turned it into a place of greed and privilege and invited in the ones that the world had ignored.  “The blind, the lame, the children all come in and Jesus welcomes them, heals them, confirms their place among Him.  He cleared out those who profaned the temple and ushered in those who humbly sought after God” (SheReadsTruth, Holy Week-Day 2). 

And isn’t that us?  The ones who don’t “deserve” Him, yet need Him so desperately?

ten on ten, october edition.

For awhile now I've seen the Ten on Ten posts on blogs all around.  I always said to myself "I should do that" and then usually remember on the 11th.  Basically, its 10 pictures that represent 10 hours of my day. 

7 o'clock: Time for work.

 

 

7 o'clock (bonus): Dark hallway.  Only one in the office (again).

 

 

 

 8 o'clock: Designing forms in Access.

 

 

 

 

9 o'clock: Mail time. So happy to be wearing a sweater time.

 

 

 

10 o'clock: In my lab office. 

 

 

 

11 o'clock: Scanning seed for trials.

 

 

12 o'clock...totally missed it!

 

 

1 o'clock: Onions.  Had to venture out past the lab for a bit.

 

 

 

2 o'clock: Bundling seed packets to be planted.

 

 

 

3 o'clock: Packets entered in computer, bundled, and ready to be planted.

 

 

 

4 o'clock: Picking up a colleague at the train station.

 

 

 

5 o'clock: A quick Target run is always dangerous, especially when you wander down tempting aisles.

 

 

Not the most exciting of days, but there is beauty in the ordinary moments.

 

one week in.

Let me begin by saying this was the best week to begin my new job!  That may or may not have something to do with getting two paid holiday days.  But that's a bit besides the point....

Monday morning started bright and early, getting up and out the door by 7:30.  I must admit that having to get up for VBS last week helped train me in getting up early.  I never meant to become lazy, but when you spend a year of your life not having to get up early, you don't tend to get up early.  So, I arrive at work a few minutes before 8:00 and am greeted by a lot of names and faces to learn.  I spent the day arranging my new office and trying to get computer login and email working.  All of that plus a lot of random tasks made the day go by fairly quickly.  I did spend some standing around and waiting, but overall a good day.  All of the guys are very nice to me and seem to appreciate me being there.  They've been without an Office Admin for about a month or so, so I know they are looking forward to things normalizing in the future.  My boss asked me if I minded coming in at 7:00 instead of 8 since they are farmers and are there as the sun is rising.  It might just be a seasonal thing, but I'm not holding my breath on that one yet.  I also started my training in understanding the onion research side of things and the whole process and the codes I need to learn.  It was a lot for my first day!

Tuesday dawned even earlier, but another good day.  I spent much of my day alternating between filling out employment paperwork and getting my email setup and working, filling out information to receive a company credit card, and working out a time to travel north to train at another office since there is no administrative assistant to train me here.  The end of the day was more time spent on learning the label program, printing labels, and other onion research information.  It might sound a bit strange and all, but I find the work they are doing very interesting.  I guess that's a good thing!Wednesday was much like the other two days, complete with watching a very dull driver safety video (just like Driver's Ed) so I can be cleared to drive a company car. 

All in all, a good first week!  I know some of it sounds a bit cryptic, but I don't want to reveal too much specific information here.  I'd be happy to tell you all about it in person though!  Thanks to those who have been praying, this week and all along!  It has been a great experience so far and I'm looking forward to learning more and settling in. 

Hope you all had a great 4th of July!  We didn't do a whole lot around here.  Gramma came over for dinner and I spent much of my day on homework.  The evening was homemade ice cream and keeping the lunatic dog under control from the fireworks.  Then we watched fireworks from the window in the air conditioning.  Best way to go on a hot day!  Today was more homework.  That's pretty much all I did.  On the plus side, I've finished two of the three classes I was taking.  Tonight at midnight (Eastern time) was the end of the term.  Thankfully one of my professors extended the deadlines for his class until Sunday night.  So, just one paper left standing between me and my freedom.  There will be victory tomorrow! 

a new chapter once again.

Apparently I like to check in here every three months or so.  I'm taking a break from writing a paper, so naturally I feel like writing a blog post.  When I last wrote to you, it was the day before beginning school again, this time for Accounting.  So much has happened in the days since then.  Let me summarize my thoughts about it all in saying: "God is faithful."

Just a little over three months ago I was starting back to school, looking forward to learning some new things and even more eager to see where God was leading me in the process.  About a week or two later I really started applying to jobs, more than I had been before.  I had a few interviews and always got the same "thanks, but no thanks" I've grown so accustomed to these past few years.  I continued in school, finishing that term just eight weeks later.  I had exactly one weekend off (which happened to be Mothers' Day weekend) and then it was back to school, this time adding an extra class to the load for a total of three. 

Side note: When a class is only 8 weeks long, the work load is basically doubled to squeeze an entire semester's worth of information and work into half the time.  Two classes, one accounting and one computer programs class (read: easy), was manageable.  Add one more class into the mix and I definitely bit off more than I could chew.  I am definitely anxious to be finished this coming Friday!

Classes have been going well and I'm learning a lot.  I don't hate accounting (something I feared) so that's always a bonus.  But as time continued on, I increasingly felt the need to "get a real job."  Not that I wasn't looking, but I felt the burden much more.  I had (somewhat irrational, but also possible) fears that I would get in a car accident or come down with a rare disease while not having insurance or a steady job.  I feared that I would never find a job where someone would give me a chance to prove myself.  See, I know that I'm smart and I'm capable (that sounds so snotty, but hopefully you know what I mean), but on paper I need more experience.  And it seems that every opportunity just didn't work out. 

Through it all, I had to cling to the truth that God had something in store for my future.  That He never left me, even on the days where I had given up on it all.  On the weeks where I refused to even search for jobs because it left me feeling tired and less than and never good enough.  God never abandoned me and He really has been working all things together for good, beginning with my heart. 

See, the thing is, I always thought I trusted God, thought I knew what that meant.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I was always thankful for the circumstances He had placed me in, thankful for the many blessings I had, but I don't think I truly trusted Him to be in control. I had, without my knowledge, slowly bought into the lie that my circumstances were my safety. 

That is, if I had a steady job, then God was blessing me.

If I did enough, then He would provide for me.

I didn't realize it at first, of course, because it wasn't something I knew to be true.  But somehow my heart believed the lies.  And in the midst of waiting, I finally saw what I needed to see.  That God had never left me.  That He is steadfast, true, and provider of all my needs, faithful above all else.

The last few weeks have been particularly tumultuous due to a turn of events.  You see, one of the jobs I interviewed for way back in March called me back in June saying the person they hired didn't work out and they wanted to interview me again if I was still interested.  I went back out the next day for that interview, full of peace that God was in control.  It's probably the least nervous I've ever been in an interview, only mildly hopeful that I would get the job and somewhat fearful that I would get burned twice.  The following Monday they called me back, asking for my references and wanting to interview me again (this would be the fourth time).  A few hours later, I received another phone call, this time an interview for a teaching position. 

All of a sudden I was caught between two worlds again.  I thought God was leading one direction, but when I got the call about teaching, I had to wonder if all I had needed was a break.

On Wednesday of that week, the first job called me to offer the position to me.  All I felt was upset.  It probably sounds stupid, since it was something I had been longing after for so long.  But it seemed like God was opening the doors to teaching and this was just in the way.  I had my teaching interview the next day (Thursday) and I felt like it went well, but I finally heard last week that it was just another no. 

In the meantime, I accepted the job I was offered.  My first day is tomorrow.

I've been trying not to think about it a lot, not wanting to get nervous, not knowing exactly what to expect.  My prayer is for is to be the right place for me, that I can learn the job quickly and well and that I will excel there.  If you are wondering what I'll be doing, join the club.  I am too!  All I can tell you today is that the position is an Administrative Assistant for an agricultural research company working with onions. 

I don't know why God opened (and then shut) the door for teaching again.  I do know that He has been working on my heart tremendously.  Where I didn't want to teach before, now I am open to the possibility.  Maybe that's the most important thing here, to be willing to be used by  God in any capacity that He chooses. 

Praise God for His faithfulness!  I'll let you know how my first day goes. 
    

let me catch you up to now.

When I last wrote I was in a difficult place.  I'll admit it, I was struggling.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, read this post. 

We've now passed the one year point where I felt like my world was falling apart.  I don't mean that in an overly dramatic sense, really.  But it really felt like everything I had worked for was lost.  My perspective has changed so much in the last weeks and months.  I'm working part time still, but today was a new beginning.

I started school again.  This time for Accounting.  Those that know me well probably know that I'm "good with numbers."  I enjoy it, actually.  So, I'm hoping I'll enjoy this.  I'm not sure right now exactly where this is leading me, but it's the beginning of a new road.

I struggled for awhile with the thought that all of my work in my degrees for teaching was wasted.  However, I firmly believe that God has a purpose in all things and has and will open doors because of this work.  My passion for children has not wavered and I am excited to be serving in the Sunday School ministry at church to some pretty cute 4 and 5 year olds. 

I think God is weaving all of these things together for the future.  Like I said, I don't know what that means right now exactly.  I kind of wish I did, but I'm working on being ok that I don't. 

Someone recently told me when I said I was changing my course was that I probably wasn't really changing.  Rather, I am expanding my course and God is so good at weaving it all together.  I'm embarking on a journey I never expected...and I have to, absolutely have to TRUST, that God will be faithful to the end.

give thanks, week four.

I've been home most of this week trying to fight off a cold.  Even though I've been sick, I'm thankful that I have a job where I can work from home and take naps and breaks as needed.  I really can't complain about that.  I'm also thankful for this change in weather.  I love cold, rainy days!  It's the perfect weather to want to stay at home. 

And, let's be honest, when your companions are this cute, you really don't mind staying home anyway.

Little Riley...so naughty, but so cute...

give thanks, week three.

Today I want to highlight a new organization that I have become involved in, Love Mercy Uganda.  Starting just a couple of months ago, this is the result of the hard work of one small church in Maryland and one woman in particular.  She has setup this child sponsorship program to partner with the Good Samaritan Children's Home in Uganda.  The children are all orphans who were found living in abject poverty or dire conditions.  You can go to the website (linked above) and read some of the bios of the children.  They are all currently being sponsored, but there are opportunites to help and give in other ways.  As this sponsorship program is just beginning, there are still many needs to meet.  One of those is medical bills.  Some of the children are HIV+ or have low immune systems and easily catch diseases like malaria.  Recently treated mosquito nets were purchased, which will hopefully cut down on the number of instances of malaria.  As you might imagine, though, the cost of medical care can be very costly when there are nearly 75 children to care for in the home.

I chose to sponsor three children through this program and today I received my first letters from them.

First, meet Baker.  She is about 5 years old.  (I say about as most of these children do not know their birthdays and dates were picked based on how old they looked, siblings, etc.)  She is an orphan whose parents died from AIDS.

Portions of her letter read:

Dear Mum Whitney,
This is a happy moment to write to you this letter because of my becoming your sponsor child. Back to me I am very okay!! But how are you generally and America at large...
I thank you for our nets you people bought for us.
Mum, a question, will you be coming to visit me soon in Uganda? If so, second to the day I got a sponsor in the names mum Whitney in  America.
Mum, I like jokes, I like playing with friends, am a singer at school.  I like reading books and learning the Bible.  In future I am to be a teacher, my prayer request is wisdom.
Looking to hear from you soon.  Yours, Baker

Such a sweet, endearing child.  While she obviously had help writing, she seems wise beyond her years. 

Next is Emily.  She is 8 years old.  She was found living with her grandmother who could not care for her or provide basic necessities like food and clothes.  She often has a cold.  The staff describe her as humble and obedient.  She sounds like a dear girl that I would love to meet one day.

Portions of her letter read:

Dear My Sweet dream sponor Whitney,
I am glad to write to you and I am very happy to have this time to converse with you through letter.
Let me take this opportunity to greet you in Jesus' name.  How are you and how is your life?
How is your country America?  How is your climate and your family members?
I thank you for the medical care which include clean water, medicine, shelter, food, mosquito net, as well as sponsorship.
I am in primary two. I am 8 years old.  I like playing net ball and rope jumping.
I would like to request you kindly to visit me at our home.  I like smiling do you like smiling too? If yes it is good to me because if we meet we shall chat together.
My friend is called Happy.  She likes playing with me.
I pray God to become a doctor in future and I treat sick people.
From Your Daughter Emily
My Sweet Dream Sponsor Whitney.  I wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Probably one of the sweetest letters I have received.  I love that she referred to me as "my sweet dream sponsor."  That sounds exactly like an 8 year old.

And this is Christine.  She is about 6 years old.  She is the oldest of 5 children that are at the home (my mom sponsors one of her younger sisters).  They were abandoned by unstable and violent parents and would be left alone for days, where Christine would go out on the streets begging for coins to feed her brothers and sisters.  Understandably, she mothers her siblings.  Such as huge burden for a child so young...it breaks my heart!

Portrions from her letter read:

Dear Whitney,
How is you? Hope you are fine. Whitney my dear beloved sponsor I would like to thank you for choosing me among all the children in the home and accepting to know who Christine is.
My best friend is Scovia.  My best color is blue because when I look up in the sky the blue makes me get amazed.
I would like to thank you for the support that you have given to me and the entire home.  I know you have good plans and you are every praying for such that God can give me wisdom and knowledge and I look after my two sisters and two brothers that I have.
Thanks for every support in feed, education, clothing and others.
Really you mean a lot to me and the entire home.
May God bless you abundantly and bless the works of your hands.
Let me tell you the meaning of my second name Kirabo.  It means a gift.  God has gifted me by giving me a good caring, loving sponsor.
Please if you happen to write to me tell me your favorite color, food, and game.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Yours, Christine


Today I am thankful for all of these sweet and precious girls and the letters I have received from them.

give thanks, week two.

The heavens declare

 

 

the glory of God;

 

 

the skies proclaim

 

 

the works of his hand.

 

 

Psalm 19:1

 

 

I'm thankful for the sky, so glorious at times, that it reminds me of the presence of God.

 

 

I love cloudy days and when the sun breaks through the clouds, like light coming from heaven itself.

 

 

And there is something so glorious about the sunrise.  A brand new morning, a hope renewed each day.

 

 

I often look at the sky in wonder, amazed that I've been blessed to see another beautiful day.

 

As beautiful as the sunrise is, the setting sun creates a beauty all its own.  It reminds me of God, the only one more faithful than the rising and the setting of the sun.

 

 

 

I'm thankful that God is Creator and cares about the beauty of this world. 

 

 

For that God, who created this world, loves me even more. And there is nothing for which I could be more thankful.

 

May my life somehow glorify Him like the skies...

 

give thanks.

So quickly we live our lives.  Always rushing from one thing to the next.  Always trying to squeeze in one more thing to our schedule.  It's work, family, friends, errands, obligations, and a little fun in there, too.  We fill our lives with movement.

And then there are days like today, ones where we stop and reflect on how thankful we are for our lives.  Our family.  Our friends.  Our faith. 

Oh, those are good things.  I'm saying nothing against that.  I'm thankful for them, too.

But I'm also guilty of simply saying the words "Thank You" without really meaning them.  I say those words so quickly that they've lost a little bit of their meaning.

That's not to say I'm not thankful.  But those words can easily become more of a habit, a knee-jerk reaction, than an actual feeling of gratitude.  Basically, we have good manners.  We like to make people feel good.  But do we really mean the gratitude?

Think on it.  Reflect on your own life.  How quickly do the words "Thank you" come from your lips?

The cashier at Target took forever and complained the whole way through the transaction.  "Oh, I'm so tired.  I'm so glad I only have two more hours of work."  (Side note: Major pet peeve of mine!  I can't stand when someone complains about the fact that they have to work to me, the customer.  It's just weird.  It's not like I don't have to work too, people.  That's how I'm able to buy these things I'm buying so you can have a job, too.  That's the way it works.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and wishing I had picked the longer, slower moving line, if I hadn't already.  End small rant.)  But at the end of the checking out process, they tack on those words: "Thank you."  They don't mean it.  And sometimes I don't either.

Not really.  Not truly.

I don't want my words to mean nothing, my thanks to be merely words.  I want to have an attitude of thankfulness at all times.

And so this is the way I will begin.  It's a major trend among blogs and social media, but it's a good idea, really.  Thankful Thursdays.  One post on the blog each week highlighting an attitude of thankfulness.  Our lives should be filled with thankfulness, so one a week should be easy.  (Ah, always easier said written than done.)

What am I thankful for today?  For my family.  I have to start there.  They are the ones that love me unconditionally.  I can always count on them to be there, to help me out.  They push me to do things I don't always want to do.  But they understand me, too.  Sure we get can fight, but we always make up.  And I love them dearly.

What are you thankful for this week?

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

stealing joy.

{Source}

You've probably seen/heard this quote a lot.  It's become somewhat of a cliche.  But have you ever really thought about it? 

One day last week it occurred to me that I was falling into the trap of comparing my life to that of other people.  Let me tell you it's a trap.  We fall into it so easily you might not even notice.  If only I had (fill in the blank), then I'd be happy.  If only I had (fill in the blank), then I'd be satisfied...then I would be content. 

Whether you do so consciously or not, you are probably looking at the lives of others and expecting the same for you. I know I do it.  I see friends accomplishing all kinds of things and then I look at my own life.  It just doesn't seem to compare sometimes. 

But I think the thing that sneaks up on me even more silently is when I compare my life to what I think my life should be like, the way I had imagined my life going.  I wasn't ever one to dwell on the future, as in I'm going to be married by this age, have kids by this age, etc.  But I'd be lying if I said that I had never thought about it.  And in that life I had planned I would have found a job right out of college, my dream teaching job.  I would probably be married.  I would own a house and a couple of dogs. 

I had these certain ideas about what life was "supposed" to look like at this point. 

One swift look at my life will see that none of those things are true.  (Well, I guess technically the dogs, but let's please not consider that my highest accomplishment...)

And I'm so tempted to look at that picture of my life and to compare it to reality.  I'm not really sure why none of those things has happened so far.  That's not really what this is about.  My point is that we are literally stealing the joy out of our lives when we compare them.  Whether it's to someone else's life or the life we had dreamed for ourselves, comparing is one sure way to dwell on what "isn't".  It isn't right, it isn't good, it isn't fair. 

Wouldn't life be boring if we got everything we wanted right when we wanted it?  There would be nothing to be excited about, nothing to hope for.  I know I'd be a far different person if it hadn't been for some of the bumps in the road.  That's when we grow.  That's how we mature. 

I'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds.  But I'm also not going to dwell on what "isn't" and to focus on the many, many blessings that I have been given instead.

I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

 

I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart

instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he

is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad

and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because

you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

 

Psalm 16:2, 7-11